


Hard Feelings

by Misttiique



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Explicit Language, M/M, Minor Injuries, Mutual Pining, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Shiro Big Bang 2017, Some hurt/comfort, voltron big bang 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-31 22:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12691107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misttiique/pseuds/Misttiique
Summary: Surely, the golden boy of the Garrison is confident and has always had everything in his life under control right? Wrong. Shiro can achieve anything except peace of mind from the chronic anxiety he's been stuck with since childhood. Added to the pressure is the upcoming exclusive Kerberos mission and being assigned to the new trouble-maker Keith, who seems to understand him in inexplicable ways.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it's been a long way coming but here's my fic for the [Shiro Big Bang](http://voltronbigbang.tumblr.com/)! Thank you so much for hosting this event!
> 
> Thank you to my amazing artists [Aquasunshine](http://aquasunshine.tumblr.com/), [Peanut-milk](http://peanut-milk.tumblr.com/) and [Lucia-ik](http://lucia-ik.tumblr.com/) that have created the art for this fic!
> 
> And huge thank you to my beta [Haganenoheichou](http://haganenoheichou.tumblr.com/) for helping me go through this fic and with such speed!
> 
> I had a lot of fun creating this. Hope you enjoy the fic!!

Shiro looked at his directory of the Galaxy Garrison again for the umpteenth time, nervously fingering the edges until creases filled the pages, just like the creases that started to fill his forehead underneath his black forelock. He squinted at the tiny map again.

He was utterly confused. He bit his bottom lip, wanting to ask around for help to find his dorm but was too scared to. He slung his duffel bag higher up onto his shoulder again, finally feeling its weight having carried it for the past 45 minutes. He started to move, dragging his trolley bag behind him, the sound echoing through the wide halls of the Galaxy Garrison.

The Galaxy Garrison was a top-notch, highly reputable space military academy, training young recruits into cadets that were soon to become top engineers, explorers, and pilots of future space expeditions; which would pave the way for human survival and discovery of space, the galaxies and the universe. Or, at least, that's what the billboard on the way to Shiro's hometown said. However, when he’d researched on their website, what they had failed to mention was that it was firstly, on the other side of the country, in the middle of the desert; secondly, the course fees and thirdly, that they only had one hundred and fifty vacancies.

_Great,_ he sighed to himself as he turned around to where he thought he had come from and started towards the reception office to ask for directions. It wasn't that he was too proud to ask for help, but the fact that he had to open his mouth and ask for something, which could turn out totally wrong. Or what if the person heard him wrong or didn't hear him at all or if they answered him in an unexpected way and he was unprepared?

This was precisely why Shiro was the shyest kid just about everywhere. He just hadn’t been able to open up or be like the other outgoing kids at school, no matter how hard he’d tried. And he had tried pretty hard, especially when he’d been the new kid. Now, he was going to be the new kid again but this time, he was the new scholarship kid.

When he reached the office, he hesitated whether to go in or not, and considered it for a moment before deciding that it was better to ask then to wander around the campus full of strangers like an idiot.

"Um, hi? I… I'm Takashi Shirogane. One, uh, one of the new recruits. I can't seem to find my dorm room. If you don't mind, could you just point me the right direction, please?" Shiro stuttered, making sure that this time he was at the very least audible.

The receptionist looked up from her computer screen with an annoyed huff. "Walk straight, then take a left and after the cafeteria, take two rights."

"Uh, okay, thanks," Shiro mumbled before hurrying out, glad the interaction was over.

Shiro took those instructions and braced himself to meet his new roommate.

\---------------------

Meeting someone whom you were going to share a room with for the next few years was terrifying, but more so for Shiro.

He’d moved when he was about nine or ten to America from Japan and the transition had been anything but easy. He’d barely known how to speak English and simply put, he’d been that scrawny, quiet kid that’d sat in the corner. As a result, he was bullied a lot and to defend himself, he started taking up martial arts. You could say he never really grew out of that phase but his body definitely did mature with the martial arts. At that time, he tried anything he could but he later on, he realized that he was liked aikido best. He was terrible at it at first but everyday after school, he would train at the dojo and soon, it became a way to not only defend himself but also relieve his stress. He was lanky and someone that most people would give the eye to, seeing how attractive he was. Even though the bullies were gone, he still continued to train but he wasn't the type to brag about it.

When he stepped into the room, he was surprised to see that half of it was already in a mess despite it being the first day. In the middle of that mess sat a brown-headed boy who looked too young to be at the Garrison. Gigantic round glasses sat atop his nose as he buried his head deeper into his tablet, seemingly unaware of Shiro’s presence.

Shiro did not want to make the first move. But if he was going to be rooming with someone for the next few years, then he figured he'd better make a good first impression.

"Hi," Shiro called out to him. "I guess we're going to be rooming together for a while. I'm Takashi Shirogane but you can call me Shiro," Shiro continued, walking over to him and extending his hand.

Shiro could feel his the slight tremors in his hand. The sweat was starting to form in the middle of his palm, even though he had just wiped them on the side of his pants. All he could do was pray that his roommate wouldn’t think he was a weirdo.

At first Matt didn't know if he should shake his hand because in his experience people that were like Shiro were definitely not the friendly type. Matt looked up at Shiro's six foot two of muscle but decided to give him a chance since he could feel Shiro's sincerity; and also the fact that his dad had mentioned Shiro to him over dinner a few nights ago, which meant he was probably someone that was at the very least respectable.

"I'm Matt. Matthew Holt," he answered, taking his hand. "Wait, aren't you the scholarship kid?"

Shiro grimaced. People called him that most of the time back home. To him _scholarship kid_ meant _smartass_. Sure, he had the brains, but that was due to his parents having gone full-on tiger parenting on him. He could still remember that when he'd get back his report card and even when there had only been only a single B, his parents would give him that look. You know, the one where they squint their eyes at the report, examining if there could be something wrong, then they look back at you with a disappointed sigh. And that was before the screaming started about how you were just not good enough, which probably added onto all the extra pressure you put on yourself.

Frankly, that was mental torture, and that had left poor Shiro in a state of constant anxiousness and hell, which only a miracle called _the scholarship to the Galaxy Garrison_ could get him away from.

"Yup, you could say that," Shiro said with the tiniest forced smile. "Where'd you hear that from anyway?"

"Oh, my dad is Sam Holt, the head of the department of sciences and engineering here, so he tells me some stuff every now and then," Matt said nonchalantly.

"I see. So I guess you're in engineering then?" Shiro asked.

"Yeah, my dad probably planned it all out before I was born. Big shoes to fill, am I right?" Matt laughed.

"Yeah, expectations," Shiro laughed back but this time more genuinely with the realization that he was not alone in the world of overly ambitious parents.

"You seem like the pilot type? Must be real popular too, huh?" Matt probed a little further, making sure that his new room mate was suitable enough because this beggar was a chooser.

"Pilot, yes, I guess. But popularity-wise, ha, I wish. With all the time spent being around me, you'll find out that I'm basically an quiet, antisocial hermit," Shiro said truthfully before he could stop himself because it was weird yet somehow gratifying to find someone that was relatable, at least compared to the people from his town.

I guess you could say this was where their friendship began, because both boys had big expectations to fill, fueled by the pressure of parents thinking, hoping, wishing they could be something great, while trying to keep as down low as they can.

 

\-------------

 

Another thing that secured their friendship was comics. Besides space, Shiro loved comics, but thinking people would make fun of him for liking it, he kept it a secret because there was no point in adding on to his bullying. He had owned many different comics but only brought a few of his favourites to the Garrison with him.

 

And Matt just happened to be a collector of not just comics but also their figurines. When Shiro had first arrived, Matt thought that his mess was an ‘organized mess’ but soon, realized that it was an actual huge mess. Shiro, being polite didn’t say anything at first but Matt could tell that he preferred their room neat, judging from the way his stuff was arranged neatly in his section of the room.

 

Shiro had even offered to help Matt with sorting out the mess and that was when he discovered their common love for comics. From there, they couldn’t stop talking about it and because cadets weren’t allowed out of the Garrison, Matt had gotten his father to help him pick up some new issues whenever he made a trip outside. I guess you could say that being the son of one of the senior staff did have its perks. When the new issues had arrived, it never failed to make Shiro’s and Matt’s eyes light up brighter than the night sky.

 

Comics wasn’t the only thing that made them closer, it was the fact that both of them didn’t like to socialize much and spent most of their free time hanging out in their dorms or in the quieter areas of the Garrison, away from the crowded areas that required interaction with others. Shiro had felt too shy around others and Matt didn’t want to be forced to talk to people because they exhausted him. He’d rather much be somewhere with his tablet or computer.

 

At first, when Shiro didn’t talk that much, Matt respected his boundaries because he knew he had his own too. Matt knew that as Shiro got more comfortable around him, he would talk to him more when he was ready.

 

Shiro also liked Matt because Matt didn't push him to open up, didn't press him for details until his back was against the wall.

Sure, both of them could be themselves around each other, but there were some things that no one knew about Shiro and he was determined to keep it that way.

\---------------

The first few months went by fast, with fewer incidents but the panic and anxiety still acting like stubborn exes refusing to move on (not that Shiro would know, given that he had never actually been in a real relationship).

So things were starting to look up the slightest bit for Shiro. But that didn't stop the streak of distress forming in his chest, taking up the air passage to his lungs, suffocating him inside. It happened, like an autoimmune disease. It happened like he was struck by lightning, his heartbeat racing, his palms sweaty, lungs begging for air, his tongue turning to stone, his head in the clouds as if about to pass out. It happened at the oddest times but one thing was for sure, the timing was always wrong. He remembered the last one, which had the silliest reason ever. He’d been afraid to walk out through the front of the class to go to the toilet. It should have been the simplest thing, right? Just raise your hand and ask to be excused. But Shiro just couldn't do it. He just couldn't.

It had used to happen more often when he had lived back at home. It had been due to the stress and pressure from just about everything. He hadn’t had anyone to turn to, really,  so he’d kinda just kept it all in. He would lock himself up and basically cry, sometimes he wouldn't even leave his room for days when it had gotten too bad. But he was more afraid of failure and disappointment, so he pushed through what seemed like an unbreakable darkness that forever threatened to swallow him whole. He couldn't remember when it had started but it had always been a constant in his life, just like how the sun rose and set, so would his problems. Since he’d kept them all in, he’d forgotten that he could have fun too, forgotten that he could be just like any other kid his age. He had also been partly afraid of people finding out, because who would want to even be associated with someone that seemed to be crazy like him, let alone be his friend?

He’d been left all alone. His only outlets had been training harder, working harder, and space.

Space seemed like an excellent concept to him. Imagine just being shot out of the Earth, just blasted away from all your problems. In space, there was possibility of exploring unknown words, where God knows what could happen. Just the thought of space offered Shiro some reprieve of his world. If he could conquer anything in his life, he wouldn't conquer his problems, but whole new worlds in space. He remembered the first time he’d fallen in love with space.

It had been a warm balmy night. He was young and he had sat on his porch staring at the starry blanket overhead, his head balanced on his hands. The stars had shone over him, the sky wide and endless. He had wondered with amusement what it'd be like to be surrounded by them one day. He then ran back inside and asked his parents if he could ever travel to space. They had laughed and shaken their heads. With a small huff of determination to prove them wrong, he had promised himself that one day he would. And that had led to his bedroom becoming space-themed.

Besides these things, anxiety and the fear of what felt like everything were instilled in him. They were seeds that grew roots, growing taller while pushing through the ground beneath so that it manifested deep inside, below the surface that no one could see, because no one would understand.

Things were starting to look up since he was away from his toxic environment he called home. He was hardworking, which you could say was something positive the anxiety bestowed upon him, and that led to him being the teacher's pet. The facilities were good and he spent most of his free time either training at the gym, taking on the Garrison's automated sparring bots or in the flight simulators, trying his best to practice outside of training hours just so he could ace it. Most of all, he was actually learning something he was passionate about. Like all parents, his had wished for him to be someone successful with a lot of money because they had put in a lot of effort to keep him in school and they wanted something in return. That's when the scholarship came in and with a sigh, his parents had opened the envelope with his acceptance letter and together with it, his future. When he’d signed up at first, he had been hesitant – not just the usual hesitation, but this time, he had wondered if it was even worth it. It was his passion and the fees to the Garrison soared through the roof of his home so this was it. His one and only ticket out of there and into space.

Although these things were positive, that didn't mean that the negatives weren't always at the edge of his mind, the way that storm clouds hovered in the distance and you had to be prepared and keep in mind that rain was coming, no matter how far away they seemed.

\------------

Two years passed with Shiro and anxiety tied at equal points. By then, Shiro managed to become what was now known as the 'Golden Boy of the Garrison’. It was honestly an honor and Shiro never knew how he managed to make it this far. He still did not exactly deal with the anxiety well, but he sure did try his best, even when it left him lying awake all night, his heart pounding away in his chest as he tried to cage it.

Soon, a mission was announced for his cohort. It was the Kerberos Mission. They were looking for a pilot and an engineer to go with a senior head of department to Pluto's moon, Kerberos.

Matt was confirmed to be selected for the mission, not just because his father was the one leading the mission, but because like his father, he was an engineering genius. Matt not only proved to be a loyal friend to Shiro but also one of the smartest people he knew. Matt didn't push him but encouraged him no matter what and that was what Shiro needed. Although it didn’t change or help him a lot, he was still appreciative of the effort.

Suddenly, the Kerberos Mission became Shiro's main goal, his only focus. They were only going to pick one pilot. One only. He wanted it and he was going to work as hard as he could to get it. And that’s when things started to go downhill.

 

\--------

"Shiro, hey, Shiro? Earth to Shiro? Hello, anyone home?" Matt waved a hand in front of Shiro's blank face, eyes wide and mouth even slightly ajar. Shiro was doing it again for the sixth time that day and the day had just begun. They were studying together during their common break in the study hall. _Lost in his thoughts again_ , Matt would think to himself often when Shiro was like this, which lately had become a common occurrence, ever since the announcement of the Kerberos Mission.

"Huh, what… what did I miss?" Shiro slid back into reality. Well, he was conscious but he just seemed to almost fade out of his body. He could feel himself there just watching but not reacting.

"You're doing it again. The daydreaming. Okay, I get that you're super stressed but are sure you're alright?" Matt said, his tone not the tiniest bit angry but concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just the lack of sleep. But I've got it under control. Don’t worry about me," Shiro said. Yeah, it was the lack of sleep but that was just apart of the problem. He would just sort of space out, pun not intended. He could manage in his class and as he was studying or training and stuff but at other times, he would just drift off into the heavy fog of his thoughts. Sometimes, it was easier to cope that way because he didn’t have to think in that state.

And about control, he did not have the stress under control. In fact, just thinking about what he was stressed or anxious about made him immediately made his insides start to crumble.

"Okay, if you say so," Matt hummed.

Shiro didn’t know what to answer. The crashing inside him continued and he just needed to be alone to calm himself down again. He would go into that dream-like state but as of now, he felt that he just shouldn’t because that would only make the feelings stronger. He could feel his stomach almost want to burn up and decided that he should just go.

He stood up and gave Matt the excuse that he was going to train at the gym, which Matt accepted without question because that was one of the only few things that he seemed to do lately. Attend classes, study, train, eat, sleep, think. An endless cycle going over and over and over again. It felt like torture but better than facing his feelings.

He grabbed his stuff and headed back to their dorm room, knowing Matt wouldn’t be back till much later. He decided that he was probably going to slide down the door as soon as he shut it and basically cry. It had started again recently, popping up when he was alone out of the blue; the fear returning like a sharp bolt of lightning to his heart. It had happened back at home and had started up again in recent weeks. He concluded that his crying was also just another outlet because on the outside, he was perfect. He was confident and smart and humble and the _Golden Boy of the Garrison._ Everyone, including the students and teachers, though that he was perfect but every perfect person had something to hide and that was what Shiro thought this was. His feelings were just another tightly-guarded secret that no one could ever find out.

Plus, no one would believe him anyway because he didn’t seem like that kind of person. He had been a rising star ever since he had joined, well loved by both students and teachers as he rose to the top.

\---------

Shiro was a planner. About everything. It just made him feel calmer and more prepared, even if it was just for the simple, minor things. It made him feel _better_. Shiro planned the route in his head, just like he planned all his minute-to-minute actions. It was crazy but somehow he felt better, more assured that way. He was going to turn left and take a shortcut through the cafeteria before taking two rights to his dorm room. The cafeteria was crowded and although admired by everyone, Shiro was still kind of shy. Sure, he seemed to exude confidence but he would be having a tiny meltdown inside. He brisked through the cafeteria but just as he was about to leave, he heard shouts just two tables down his right.

"I said mind your own fucking business!"

"Or what? You'll hit me just like you hit your roommate? Yeah, I don’t think you have the balls to do it again."

There was a chorus of laughter.

Then from the corner of his eye, he saw a slim dark-haired guy roughly grab the collar of the guy sitting opposite him and slam him against the wall, fists aimed and ready to fire. Unfortunately, the other guy was a bit bigger than he was and was able to get out of his grip, twisting his arm and turning him around so that they switched positions. The dark-haired guy was shocked but was about to fight back when the other guy slammed his fist into the dark-haired guy's jaw, splitting his lip.

Shiro turned around to watch. He wanted to help but he really didn't want to get involved in whatever was going on. But some bully was sure to hurt the guy. He could probably take care of himself; besides, he should know better. But he was already hurt and this was probably going to turn into an ugly fist-fight. Bullying was not uncommon in the Garrison but due to Shiro's current stature, no one dared lay a finger on him.

That hadn’t always been the case. Shiro's mind sent him straight back when he was eleven and an anxious,  small, scrawny young thing. He had been bullied because he had still been unable to speak English right and they had taunted him. They had nicknamed him 'Starboy' because he’d loved space so much and practically everything he’d owned was spaced-themed with stars all over it.

 

He still could remember that one time, the bullies had pushed him into the corner of the class and about six of them encircled him so he couldn’t escape. They'd done this before to him so his only defense at the time had been to raise his fists, even though he had known he hadn’t been able to even touch them. His eyes had burned with tears because he had been scared but what was he supposed to do? Just let them hit him? He had wanted to surrender but even if he had done that, they wouldn’t have stopped torturing him. The words echoed through his ears: "What are you going to do fight back?" and with that a fist had come his way and he’d received another black eye that week. Unsurprisingly, this hadn’t exactly helped his anxiety and he had found himself sinking into a vicious cycle of despair.

"And what are you going to do, fight back?" The other guy taunted at the dark-haired guy. Now, a crowd had formed. Everyone's eyes intently focused on the two, but no one proceeded to stop the fight. Shiro sharply inhaled, dumped his things at the closest table and strode into the crowd. He could not just do nothing because he knew exactly how it felt to be on the receiving end and all backed up into a corner. His insides screamed at him not to do anything but mind his own business and walk away, but he would not live with himself if he let this go.

"Hey… Hey, how ‘bout we just calm down for a second, huh?" Shiro said, raising his arms midway and stepping between both guys, facing the other guy and turning his back toward the dark-haired one, his bleeding lip continued to drip onto the floor. Shiro realized that both of them were just juniors cadets from their orange uniforms.

The other guy’s eyes threatened to rip both Shiro and the dark-haired guy apart but after sizing Shiro up, he slowly backed down with his body still tense. Like every other institution, there were bullies but as far as that went, fighting wasn’t allowed. Shiro was a foot taller than him and it was good thing that Shiro had decided today was the day to put on his new teaching assistant's uniform, which was way too similar to the actual teacher's uniforms. It was another thing he had taken on when he shouldn't have but did because he had wanted to prove to the team in charge of the selection of the Kerberos Mission that he could handle anything. Another disadvantage of being self-pressurizing.

"Fine," the other guy snapped but still didn't move. Shiro didn’t see or feel any movement behind him but at that precise moment, the dark-haired guy swung his fist forward from his place behind Shiro, and lunged forward at the other guy. Shiro managed to block the action by taking it instead on his upper arm. The dark-haired guy looked thin but that punch sure had power to it.

Shiro lurched forward slightly but was able to stop himself with a foot. As if right on cue, a member of the senior staff, Professor Iverson, stepped through the crowd that actually parted like the Red Sea. He was flanked by two of his other associates. He was head of the team that was in charge of the Kerberos Mission and he was the one that had assigned Shiro to be one of the few people selected to be teaching assistants after being impressed with the Golden Boy's piloting abilities and hardworking but humble ways. He had taught Shiro before and he knew that Shiro was always the kind of person to try to meet the standards of his superiors, even though they seemed impossible, which was true.

_Shit, shit, shit,_ Shiro thought to himself. _He probably thinks I got into a fight. Ugh, now it’s going to ruin everything. I bet I'm not even going to make it to Kerberos anymore. Why did I even decide to do this again?_

"And what do we have here?" Professor Iverson stepped forward to them, hands folded behind his back.

 

Shiro wanted to say something to defend himself. But he stood still, hands by his side at once. The other two behind him followed suit.

 

"Well?” Iverson demanded.

Shiro's mouth went dry. The tips of his fingers tingled. He knew he had to say something but he hated to open his mouth.

"Uh… Um…" Shiro started, before clearing his throat and shielding himself with the professional mask that he used during his classes and when people were speaking to him. "Sir, there seemed to be a misunderstanding here. Nothing too major and I was just trying to prevent anything… um, violent from happening," Shiro's voice came out, his smooth and slightly confident tone the exact opposite of his feelings. Right about now, he could faint because his chest was about to burst with all his nerves tied around it.

Iverson eyed him, as if examining his next meal. He nodded once before turning around and dispersing the crowd with a "nothing to see here unless you would like to see me in my office for not minding your own business". He turned back and scanned the three faces of the idiots who thought it'd be fun to cause a little trouble.

Shiro wanted to rub his arm because he could feel the bruise starting to form, its blue-black mass spreading like his current panic that seemed to consume his whole body so that it froze him to death.

Iverson stepped into their area but first went towards the other guy. He hammered him back into his place with only the rage of his voice, giving him a warning since it seemed to be the first offense that he was caught with.

Next, he went to Shiro. Shiro gulped nervously and clenched his fists at his sides to prevent himself from shaking. "My office, later," was all Iverson said, almost uninterestedly, before moving on to the dark-haired guy.

The other guy had already scuttled off and Shiro stood there. For a split second, he turned to take a closer look at the dark-haired guy.

He looked young, a bit too young, a definite boyish look to him; but there was something else about him that made him seem like he was hardened, tough, and probably rebellious too. He seemed like the kind of person that feared no one, the type that you'd find fighting in a dark alleyway with nothing but a knife. He had dark hair that was too long for the Garrison's rules, long enough to almost become a mullet with bangs hanging over his eyes, making him look a tad bit emo. He was definitely smaller than Shiro and had big blue-grey eyes that seem to look right through someone, his lip still bleeding as he now pressed a hand to it to try and stop it but the damage had been done and there were small droplets on the orange and white cadet uniform, which looked a bit oversized on his thin frame.

Shiro could see his eyes lock with Iverson's and his jaw hardened and fist clench by his sides. Shiro realized that he had been staring at him for definitely more than a split second. He swung his head around with neck-breaking speed and trod very carefully but quickly away to grab his things and back to his dorm, not daring to take another look at the boy with the bleeding lip face his horrid end.

After what had happened, the sob that longed to be freed from Shiro's body seemed to have lost it crave for freedom but settled down in his chest to keep him company through his long and sleepless night.

But for now, Shiro returned to his room, rubbing his arm and a small part of his over-thinking brain wondered how that boy was doing.

\--------

"Keith Kogane!" Iverson spat every syllable. Keith didn't even flinch, his exterior showing no sign of hurt. The only thing that was hurt however, was his ego. _If only if hadn't been for that asshole who stopped the fight, I would've gotten that jerk,_ he thought to himself.

"Kogane, you know the rules all too well and this is the third time already. Have I not made myself clear enough previously? I have repeated it once and I'll repeat it again until it goes into that thick skull of your’s. Control your temper. And lucky for you, if it wasn’t for Shiro, you would have gotten it for real this time," Iverson said, before turning away from him to look through the blinds of his office. They had been came here right after the fight, with Keith being escorted by his assistants.

Keith snickered softly, and Iverson immediately turned around and shot him a glare right between his eyes, that should have killed him instantly.

 

"You think this is real funny, Kogane, huh? You think this is must be a real joy huh, having to always deal with you? This is your future at stake not mine." Iverson fumed but then realized that getting angry was getting him nowhere. Truth be told, Keith had a lot of potential that just needed to be unlocked but he was too much trouble with his sharp, smart mouth, rashness and hot-headedness. Iverson didn’t want him to have to leave because of things like that but he was one of the worst cases he had ever had to deal with and there was almost no hope in getting him to change. He just couldn’t look after him anymore.

But wait, someone could. Shiro could because Shiro was the Golden Boy and Shiro could handle anything, just like how he had managed to top his classes, his cohort, managed to stay above the rest, even got to be a teaching assistant. And he wanted the Kerberos Mission, didn’t he? Iverson would bet his bottom dollar that Shiro would do whatever it took to get it. Even babysit this troublemaker.

This might even be the last time he would ever have to deal with this delinquent boy ever again. This brought him some relief and he congratulated himself for this epiphany.

 

"This is just unacceptable; but I'll tell you what, this will be your last and final chance to prove yourself that you’re worthy of a place here,” he said coolly. “You'll be assigned to a mentor and he will keep you in check. You'll him and have to report to him at the end of each day. Is that clear? Like I said, this is your last chance. After this, it’s expulsion. Don’t screw it up, Kogane."

Keith heard Iverson's words loud and clear. He knew his antics would cause him something like this someday and when has it not already done so in the past? He nodded grimly, pressing his lips in an even tighter line, not afraid but to simply stop himself. He clenched his fist and almost robotically walked towards the door.

“Good, then,” Iverson said, holding the door open for him. “The reception will give you the details of your mentor and when and where to meet today. Oh, and if you do screw up, I’ll be the first to know.”

Keith gave him a curt nod before walking out. He heard the door slam behind him immediately. This was definitely not the first time doors had been slammed on him.

He strode over to the reception and received the slip of paper with the name and details of his supposed mentor.

_Takashi Shirogane, Senior Cadet and Teaching Assistant_

_2000h_

_Top Viewing Deck 2_

Well, his mentor definitely shouldn't get in his way. He knew his priorities but sometimes things got in the way and sometimes he just didn't see the point or potential that others saw in him. In fact, he was the best of his class in piloting and that shouldn’t be forgotten. Even if he knew he was the best, he wasn’t the sort that would boast about it and fought to prove it to everyone he met. But people he met just didn’t get him. _Never had and never will_ , was what he reminded himself everyday and that was why he hardly spoke or interacted with anyone unless absolutely necessary. Basically why he was always alone because he knew he could only trust and rely on himself.

\---------

Shiro drummed his fingers against each other in rhythm to his beating heart. If his heart had been out in the open, he was sure it would have pounded to the beat of oncoming disaster, the kind that you hear in movies when something bad was about to happen. The whirr of the air conditioning and the bright lights of the reception were overwhelming him suddenly and he fought the urge to collapse.

"Come in, Shiro," Iverson beckoned from his open office. Shiro pulled himself up and together and walked into it with all the confidence – or more like _faked_ confidence – he could muster, which wasn’t a whole lot at that point.

"Sit." Iverson motioned for him to have a seat opposite him. He didn’t seem angry or anything but then again, he was good at being neutral towards everyone. Shiro sat down and tried to keep his breath steady and be still.

He had been thinking about that dark-haired boy ever since the fight, wondering if he was okay. His arm had a bruise but it had stopped hurting after a while. He knew he shouldn’t have stepped in just now but he’d had to. It was almost as if he was the dark-haired boy – scared but defensive. He had been like that once.

"I know what happened in the fight just now," Iverson started. Shiro opened his mouth to say something but Iverson held a hand up. He wanted to say something, anything, defend himself for what happened earlier, that it hadn’t been his fault, that he had just wanted to stop the fight. But he knew if he said anything, it would make things worse. So he tightened his jaw and waited for his verdict instead.

"I know it wasn’t your fault. You were just trying to stop the fight. I get it. The guy that you were defending, that was Keith Kogane and he's a whole lot of trouble," Iverson continued. "Talking back, fighting, you name it. I bet he was the one that started the fight," he said with a sigh.

Actually, Shiro had been there but Iverson hadn’t, so Shiro definitely felt the need to clarify. He hesitated but he couldn’t stand someone taking the blame when they weren’t in the wrong, especially since he had seen Keith’s bleeding lip. "Actually, Sir, with all due respect, I was there and Keith didn’t start the fight. He was just defending himself. And speaking of which, how is he? I saw that his lip was bleeding," Shiro said, with surprising confidence because he felt that he needed to defend Keith, even though he had punched him in the arm, but he just needed to stand up for what was right.

Iverson arched an eyebrow, confused yet curious as to why Shiro might be saying all of this and where it had come from. A pregnant pause passed before Iverson realized that Shiro was really the Golden Boy of the Garrison, with brains, strength and a genuine heart of gold. That poor boy with his big heart. Well, if he could handle the Garrison, he certainly could handle anything, especially what he had in mind for him next.

Iverson smirked at his idea and folded his hands on the table. "He's fine, Shiro, only it’s his ego that’s probably bruised. Why do you care, anyway?"

"Um… um… I," Shiro stammered but remembering how he needed to behave. "I was just concerned because he seemed to be injured and no matter what happens, we should look out for all cadets," Shiro answered, remembering what he had said during his Teaching Assistant interview that he’d aced.

"I see. Well, the thing with him, Shiro, is that he's a troublemaker, as you can already tell. And if it weren't for you doing what you did, he would be out of here, which is a shame, because he has a lot of potential," Iverson said, flicking his wrist to the side, demonstrating what he would do to Keith next. "If you care about him so much, then how about you become his mentor, hmm?"

The answer came to Shiro's lips with the speed of light. "No. I mean no, Sir. I'm sorry but I don't think I can handle this kind of… um…” He glanced up looking for the right word. "Responsibility. I am unable to handle such responsibility. I was just curious to see how he was doing but I really can't handle him or anyone, for that matter."

Iverson knew that Shiro knew that he was in charge of selecting the pilot of the Kerberos Mission. He knew that he could manipulate him with that. It was mean and unfair but at least there was someone to do his dirty work, right? Besides, Shiro was going to be selected anyway.

 

"I completely understand, Shiro. It is a huge, tremendous responsibility. And it's a shame that someone so capable does not want it because if one could handle something like this, one is suitable to handle anything," Iverson continued.

Then a brick of a realization smashed into Shiro's head. _You idiot. Iverson is in charge of picking the pilot of the Kerberos Mission and he's clearly saying that you need to take up this responsibility. It’s a fucking hint to do it because only those who actually show responsibility will be selected for the mission._ Say yes. He thought to himself. _But I can't do it, it's too much,_ his other thought chimed in. It went back and forth like this and he just sat there with the ethical dilemma pulling him like gravity back and forth.

Suddenly swayed by one side, "I think I'll take it," Shiro said but immediately regretted it. _What are you doing?_  His other thought demanded. _You know you can't do it. Face it, you'll never be selected for Kerberos, so just stop trying._

Iverson beamed and unfolded his hands, happy he got his way again. He knew he could always count on Shiro to be the Golden Boy every single time. "Good, then it's settled. You will meet him tonight and he will be reporting to you every night until he improves. You will keep a close watch on him and whatever he does. I expect everything to be reported to me at once, especially if there's any trouble but I doubt that would happen when you're around. But rest assured, I too will be watching. Understood?"

Shiro gulped down his fear and nodded, "Understood Sir."

Iverson sent him out of his office and he collected the slip from the reception before leaving.

_Keith Kogane, junior cadet_

_2000h_

_Top Viewing Deck 2_

He sighed deeply as he walked back to his dorm.

\---------

Matt was back by the time he came in.

 

"So, I heard what happened. What did Iverson say?" Matt asked.

Shiro flopped on the bed, face down, before grunting and flipping himself over. He wanted to lie and just say nothing, because Matt would understand and not question further, but this felt too big to carry by himself because the stress of everything was definitely piling onto him and he could actually feel himself falling apart at the seams.

So Shiro told Matt about what had happened in Iverson's office and his perspective on it. Matt sat there and listened to him with his hands supporting his face, just as he always did when Shiro was in a ranting mood about classes or anything. Shiro did the same for him and it was a mutual thing between them. Before he could stop himself, he told Matt that he only did it because of the Kerberos Mission.

He knew he shouldn’t have because Matt was already in it despite, it never being formally mentioned, Shiro knew that Matt was definitely in it.

Matt usually gave his opinion or, more often, his advice, which usually was the soundest and most logical. Shiro usually listened and did the same, although sometimes not very logically and right now did not feel like a logical moment.

"Listen, dude, I think everyone knows you are going to get it. I heard people talking about it and everyone says it's gonna be you. Plus you actually have more skills than the majority of the people here. So, don’t panic, Golden Boy, because what you did was right and taking on Keith, that was a brave move but I'm sure you can handle him," Matt said.

Shiro was in a mood, not quite sure what exactly it was, but inside his mind was utter chaos. Shiro wasn’t jealous of Matt but rather, Matt didn’t get what he was going through. Correction, no one got what was going on. Everyone thought everything was just peachy keen in the land of the Golden Boy because he was oh, so perfect, wasn’t he?

It sure as hell wasn’t as easy as whatever people though because they just didn’t understand, didn’t get the pain involved in everything, in every breath he took, in every beat of his heart. And it sure as hell wasn’t easy as getting to be on the Kerberos Mission like how Matt had gotten in. Matt was a genius, an utter genius, whose father happened to be the one leading the mission. He wanted to shout at Matt, but that would be rude and mean and he was just trying to help.

Instead, Shiro sighed, again, for the hundredth time that day with a “you're probably right,” and was quiet for the rest of the day. He knew how to appear emotionless but inside wasn’t just chaos anymore, it was a downright turmoil. Everything was mounting on his chest, getting heavier and heavier, and pressing him further and further down into the dark abyss beneath to swallow him up. He just couldn’t take it anymore. He did not know what to do and with every heartbeat, he could feel these imaginary walls around him, surrounding him and trapping him in with all his problems and stress and anxiety that seemed to be water filling him inside, flowing until it drowned him completely.

He proceeded with the day and his classes as usual and left to be alone right after dinner, before leaving to see Keith. He shut the door to his empty dorm because Matt had gone to meet with his dad and Shiro just needed to breathe. He washed his face in an attempt to clear his head and bring himself from that almost dream-like state back to reality.

He could feel it in his abdomen. The unspeakable feeling that just ran tremors down his spine, its cold hands brushing from the top to bottom, touching each and every bone. It was like he was holding his breath, but for what? He didn’t even know, but it filled him with worry and fear and made his stomach lurch forward and back as if he was on one of those carnival rides, the one with the ship that sways side to side in the air. The motion just made him sick thinking about it, but he felt like he was on it. His heartbeat started to race and his head started to spin. He tried to keep his breathing even and calm but every time he exhaled, something would block the passageway with even more panic. What was he afraid of? There was simply no logical explanation for this. Why should he even be feeling like this? His chest felt like exploding and not in the way full of happiness but of just not knowing what to do or feel. The sick feeling spread, sinking to the bottom of his stomach, making him run to the toilet bowl with his head over it. His breathing sounded like he wanted to throw up. He knew he wasn’t having any stomach trouble because he hadn't eaten anything wrong.

 

He closed his eyes, swinging his head back, hoping that his head would just stop making him giddy. It did help a bit and he rose to his feet and back to the sink. He splashed some water on his face, trying to clear his head and feelings before looking at his reflection. He breathed deeply but it still didn’t calm him down. His hands were all jittery and they seemed to shake with every heartbeat. He clenched his teeth as another wave of nausea washed over him again. He ran his wrists under the running water, praying that it would stop or at least lessen just a little bit of what he was feeling. He did that over and over and felt a bit more composed. He continued for another five more minutes before realizing that he should go but kept stalling until another five minutes later before leaving. He wasn’t much better with his heart bashing itself against his ribcage, only causing itself more pain. Just like how his own feelings were doing the same to him. His teeth were still clenched to stop himself from throwing up or so he thought he would.

\----------

Shiro checked his watch. He was ten minutes early despite thinking he'd be late after the recent meltdown. The deck was empty except for the stars that seemed to have come out early that day. The Garrison was in the middle of a vast desert in the middle of nowhere. So nothing prevented him from seeing the skies – no high rise buildings, no pollution – the stars could shine as they were. They were content with themselves and Shiro could only wish he could be the same. But he sure wasn’t going to change either. He was who he was, and even though it was hard being who he was, it was worse to be something he wasn’t. He already pretended, and it made him shine on the outside but shattered him on the inside. If that was one thing he was the slightest bit proud of, then he wouldn’t change who Keith was.

Shiro glanced again at the slip of paper, before folding it and reminding himself again that he needed to do this. And besides, Matt was right, he was doing the right thing because if he when he had been in Keith's position, if someone had done something like what he was going to do, he would have been thankful. And maybe that was why he was who he was. Because of everything that made him up.

Keith was right on time. He looked up from the slip of paper. His eyes searched around but there was only one other person there. He remembered the guy who stepped in front of him very clearly. He was a lot taller than him, bigger than him too, and he had a distinct undercut with a black forelock. What was most striking about him were his eyes. Keith got a glimpse and they seemed to be the deepest shade of grey.

_Whatever, let's just get this over and done with,_ he thought as he crushed the paper and slipped into his pocket. He walked to where Shiro was leaning over the edge of the balcony, staring at the sky.

Shiro straightened and cleared his throat. "Hey, you must be Keith Kogane. I'm Takashi Shirogane but everyone calls me Shiro.” His tone was professional and predictable of such a Golden Boy – even Keith had heard about him.

He held out his hand. Keith stared at it for a second before realizing it was rude not to shake it. Keith took his hand nodded. "Yeah, I’ve heard."

Shiro looked confused for a second. Keith didn’t mean to sound like that or come off as cold, but he just did and sometimes, he just couldn’t control it.

"So, since we are doing this mentoring thing, how is it going?" Shiro seemed unfazed, not even missing a beat after Keith's remark. _He's probably just controlling himself because he has to do it or he's just being nice because he feels sorry for me,_ Keith thought. Keith felt bad suddenly because he wasn’t the one in this alone. He should try to make an effort too but he just didn’t like this but he knew that he didn’t have a choice either.

"Uh, it's fine. Sorry about your arm though. How is it?" Keith said, remembering his right hook to Shiro's arm.

"It's alright now. How's the lip?"

"It's fine. I iced it." Keith said.

 

Silence settled uncomfortably as if it was a person awkwardly trying to fit into the space between them. Heartbeats and the ticking of watches filled it.

It was Shiro who spoke again. "So, um, you're supposed to report to me at the end of each day. So, why don’t we meet here again tomorrow, same time?"

"Yeah sure," Keith said, turning away but then couldn’t help himself and turned around. Shiro had said 'report’, which was exactly what Iverson had said. Iverson was watching and that would mean that he had plans for him or at least to make him 'better.’ But what the fuck was even 'better?’ Keith had taken a long time to figure out who he was, and even now he wasn’t sure, but he was definitely not changing just because someone wanted him to.

"Wait, what exactly did Iverson say about me?" Keith demanded. He didn’t mean to come off too strong but if it involved him changing or, even worse, being manipulated, it had to be stopped right there and then.

Shiro was taken aback but honestly, what had he expected? The kid was a troublemaker, like Iverson had said, but maybe there was more to it. He paused for a second but just as he opened his mouth, Keith said, "Whatever, it's not like you would tell me anyway. You're too good, too Golden Boy-ish. I bet Iverson and the rest got you wrapped around their little fingers. I don’t need a lecture and I sure as hell certainly don’t need someone breathing down my neck"

"Actually," Shiro started matter-of-factly, going for the straight-up approach and not even bothering to lie because so what if he was the Golden Boy, that title didn’t mean much to him and he wanted to prove to this Keith that sure, he was good but he wasn’t the kind that was a pawn to be used by others especially if Keith had any other intentions.

 

"Iverson said you were a troublemaker and the usual stuff that follows and how I should report if anything goes wrong. But listen," Shiro said, crossing his arms stepping closer to Keith. "I'm not a puppet or pawn for anyone, even though I may be the Golden Boy."

Shiro knew just from this meeting that there was no way to control Keith's fire or handle him in any way that he didn’t want to be handled. But they both needed this and they couldn’t do it alone. "Here's what I propose, you just need to stay out of trouble in front of Iverson and his team but otherwise just do as you please. I won't be watching you unless it's something absolutely necessary. If you do this, I'll put in a good word and we'll both be done with this in no time. Deal?" Shiro asked, holding out his hand for second time that night. This time, it felt as though Keith was talking to someone else.

Keith considered it for a moment. It sounded like a good plan to him, but would it even work? How could he possibly control himself? He was skeptical but this felt like a compromise already and from his tone, he knew Shiro meant business and both of them needed this. "What's in it for you?" He asked; he needed to know.

"The Kerberos Mission." For once Shiro was amazed at his honesty and uncensored-ness, but a part of him just somehow needed this enough for him to need to trust Keith. Maybe it was the way he saw a part of himself in Keith?

Shiro's hand was still raised in offering.  _The Kerberos Mission, huh? Wow, he is the literal walking Golden Boy. But how am I supposed to behave in front of Iverson?_ Keith thought.

He decided to ask because who to know better than the Golden Boy himself.

"I'll teach you. But I'm only going to do that so they can't say a thing about you," Shiro said, tone serious. _Oh, man. He really wasn’t kidding. Well, I still want to be a pilot, so do I even get a choice?_ Keith thought to himself with a small sigh. "Deal," he said, shaking Shiro’s hand. He realized that Shiro was a really firm handshake and he looked straight into Shiro's eyes. He knew the Golden Boy wasn’t perfect and from what he had seen, he had some evidence for his hypothesis but he needed more. And although, he cared only for himself, part of him was curious to find out what else Shiro might be hiding, to keep his Golden Boy exterior shining.

\-------

They left the deck, agreeing to meet there same place, same time the following day. When they met, it was awkward, a lot of silences between them that seemed to stretch further than the vast desert of the Garrison. Shiro thought it was normal, they had just met and there was no hurry in rushing things to improve. Keith thought who cares because honestly, if Iverson was behind this, then it could take as much time as Keith felt like.

They didn’t talk much when they met. When Shiro tried to make contact with Keith with a "how's it going,” Keith just stared at him before shrugging his shoulders with an "eh.”   _Okay, that's okay, he would come around sooner or later_ , Shiro thought.

Two weeks later still the same, no progress, they still continued with the meet. Their interaction was scarce, usually with Shiro asking Keith to see how he was doing but Keith's response was still the "eh" or "I'm fine.” That was it. Shiro usually left him with some encouragement, a listening ear if he would ever, ever need one and of course, some tips to control his anger with others around.

Shiro had been just been assigned two classes to teach and one of them was Keith's piloting class because the teacher had said he couldn't handle the class anymore. Iverson wanted results and soon. Shiro had been reminded by him again at the end of that week that he wanted to see Keith improving. But Keith had just fought with his new roommate again. But Keith had been caught arguing again. But Keith had been caught fighting again. All of these Shiro hadn't heard from Keith but from other sources. He was the first to know and the first to check in on Keith. As usual, Keith wasn't bothered at all.

Three weeks later, Shiro started his teaching at Keith's piloting class. Shiro was on the verge of giving up getting through to Keith. He tried, he honestly tried. He checked in on him, tried to give him tips to control himself. It was a good thing Iverson hadn’t checked on Keith yet himself, because Keith was still at square one, refusing to move. Last Shiro had heard, Iverson was busy with plans for the Kerberos mission. Shiro didn't know how to get through to Keith. He thought he had made a deal with him, but Keith wasn't playing fair.

In Keith's class, Shiro could see why the teacher had left and it literally hurt him to watch each and everyone go through the flight simulator. Failure continued until Keith stepped inside. Shiro watched from the viewing room, arms folded into his chest. At first, he didn’t care because if the class was this bad, then Keith was probably that bad too. _Maybe Iverson was wrong about Keith having potential_ , he thought with a sigh.

Then, the simulator started and Shiro was shocked. It felt like an actual electric current passing through him. His eyes widened until they felt like they would come out if he opened them any further. Keith was almost as skilled as he was. _Well, maybe Iverson was right after all._

However, as Keith was approaching the end, he turned his plane sideways but it wasn’t enough because the side of caught on the simulator's canyon and it ripped through it. SIMULATION FAILED, the screen read in red, flashing letters. Keith slammed his fist down hard on the controls, another rule broken for not handling Garrison property properly. Shiro remembered that he had slipped up at that same part of the simulator too. Keith was good at this. Maybe even too good.

 

Keith fumed all the way through the class and Shiro could see his jaw clench, eyes hard, and breathing harsh. At the back of his mind, he thought he should congratulate him on a job well done, at least compared to the rest of his class, and give him a few tips on how to maneuver the plane to avoid the canyon next time. But Shiro felt his hands tingle, he was suddenly afraid of how he would sound and if Keith would even bother listening.

He took a deep breath and did it anyway, stopping the junior cadet before he left. "Look, I don't need any help in piloting alright?" Keith snapped at him, bumping against his shoulder on his way out. Shiro wasn’t offended but he was just stuck at a point of not knowing what to do anymore. He tried, but it just wasn’t working out and he was exasperated and exhausted.

\-----------

"Ugh, what is that guy's deal?" Shiro complained to Matt. Lately, Matt had been Shiro's go to for Complaining About Keith. "I can't stand him anymore. Like, I know it's hard and all but doesn’t he see that I'm trying my best? That I too am making an effort. Whatever I say, it just falls on deaf ears. Can't he see that I'm doing what I can?"

Matt sighed. He didn’t mind listening to Shiro but he didn’t have any new advice to give him. "Just give him some time. He'll come round sooner or later but for now he's just trying to be stubborn. And it's not doing him any good so it's not your fault if he's not listening and–,"

"But he should be. I mean, how long can more can I take of this? I feel like I'm losing it with him," Shiro interrupted.

"Look, don’t give up on him yet, okay? He's taking too long but you, you gotta keep going, man. He has potential and just like you said when you saw him pilot. He _can_ do it. It's just a matter of if he wants to or not. The annual cadets’ trip is next week and maybe something will come out of that."

Ah, the annual cadet trip where a senior cadet assessed a younger cadet's skills out in the open terrain that was similar to some planet in the galaxy. Both would be alone together for a couple of days and this was supposed to help the younger cadet to learn basic survival skills training so they would be better prepared for whatever space trips they go on. Just his luck, Shiro had gotten Keith, which had probably been Iverson's doing, come to think of it.

"Maybe try to get to know him a little bit? It might help with getting him to listen," Matt offered.

Shiro usually didn’t doubt Matt, but this time he did.

\-------

"All packed up yet?" Matt glanced up from his screen as Shiro shoved in the remaining items on his list into his mountain of a backpack.

 

"Yup," Shiro said with a satisfied grin that he managed to fit everything he hopefully would not need, but then his grin flattened out like his mood because it wasn’t bad enough that he had to see Keith once everyday to check on him, not to mention his classes with him, but for a few whole days.

"Well, all the best then. See ya in a couple of days," Matt said as Shiro shrugged on his backpack, which was quite an amazement as it could be lifted off the ground. "And, Shiro?"

"Yeah?" Shiro said, turning around.

 

"Try to get to know him a bit? Maybe even bond? It would really help your relationship. Iverson would be proud, just keep that in mind as motivation." Matt advised.

"Yeah, yeah that I'll try. You have a good trip too," Shiro murmured, shutting the dorm room door behind him.

As senior cadet, he had to guide and assess Keith on the terrain of the desert. Like being in the Garrison in the middle of the freaking desert wasn’t enough. However this year, they would be travelling to a different one not far away, in fact only two stops from the Garrison itself. The plan was for them to be dropped off at Point A and travel to Point B, which happened to be back at the Garrison, that was a couple of days ride away. They would have to survive alone and would have hoverbikes as their mode of transportation.

When Shiro had done it, it had been completely different because he had been sent to the middle of the forest with a fortunately beautiful scenery. His senior at that time had also been kind enough to show him the ropes and they had managed to reach their destination within half the time, earning them the top spot out of everyone else.

Now, Shiro wasn’t totally inexperienced in this terrain, because after all the simulator trainings on flying through desert terrains like this, Shiro could only hope that he could do it right, which he in reality obviously could without even batting an eyelid.

"You got everything?" Shiro checked with Keith, who responded with a grunt, probably meaning yes. They walked towards the chopper in silence, boots stomping on the granite floor of the landing area of the Garrison. In front of them stood their hoverbikes. One was a cherry red, shiny with a fresh coat of wax. The other was a sleek jet black that gleamed. They were the new hoverbikes that had just been created and approved by the Garrison engineering department. Shiro smiled as he saw Keith's face widen in shock before surprise, his mouthing forming a delicate 'O.’

 

"Is this ours'?" Keith asked incredulously, which was the first time he didn’t sound hostile.

"Yeah, we'll be riding on them for the trip," Shiro answered, not bothering to suppress his smile. He had tested these hoverbikes just before they had approved it, all thanks to Matt's team that created it. He had ridden through the desert in the last rays of sunlight, wind in his hair and at that moment, he had just felt free.

So Shiro and Keith strapped in their hoverbikes and themselves in the chopper and were dropped off a short while later in the literal middle of nowhere.

"Have you ever ridden one of these before?" Shiro asked, sliding on his helmet after putting his backpack into the compartment of his hoverbike, which surprisingly fit.

"No, but I'm pretty sure I can figure it out on my own," Keith responded.

"Oh, yeah, sure, I guess. I have before and a trick I learned is that it's like the flight simulation of the desert. You need balance so you can't exactly lean all your weight on one side," Shiro told him, but Keith being Keith answered with a "yeah" and zero attention because if he could fly the simulator better than anyone in his class then he could definitely ride the hoverbike on his own. He didn’t need Shiro's instructions. He didn’t need anybody.

Keith loaded his stuff – he definitely had less than Shiro – and got onto the hoverbike. He swung one leg over the it and hopped on for a split second before losing his balance as he tilted to one side, nearly falling off.

"Woah, there." Shiro caught his wrist just in time.

 

"I'm fine," Keith said, but he didn’t pull back immediately from Shiro's grasp.

"Remember, it's all about balance," Shiro said, getting on his own hoverbike.

 

Keith rolled his eyes but Shiro missed it as he glanced back down at his map of the desert.

 

"Okay, so we should be heading east from here until we reach the canyons, which should take us until dusk. Then we, should probably rest up. Sound good?" Shiro asked, stuffing the map into his pocket.

"Yeah," Keith said but he was more focused on riding the hoverbike, his eyes still gleamed with excitement. It would be as close as flying something as it got and it would have to suffice.

They rode in the endless desert landscape and heat, seeing only a few cactuses and rocky canyons in the distance. All the way across the horizon, seemed to be an orange cloud. _It's probably just the sun,_ Shiro thought. But the worries crept on him, tingling on the edges on his spine and his words. What if it was a sandstorm? Or what if they just couldn’t see through it and could not get across? It was heading in their direction but it would take some time to reach them. What if they couldn't get across because of it? Shiro's heart started to beat faster and his already sweaty palms sweated even more into his fingerless gloves.

He attempted to make small talk, trying to fill up the heavy silence. His words felt like just another grain of sand in the desert, meaningless and empty. The orange cloud took a couple of steps closer in their direction with every one word response or 'mhmm' or 'yeah' or nod or grunt from Keith. _Nothing's working_ , Shiro thought, _he'll never listen to me._

Shiro was still worried about how this was going to turn out. Would they make it back within the parameters? Would they get back safely? How was he going to report this back to Iverson? This experience was to show him that he could manage Keith and maybe even get him on the right track? Shiro's confidence fell like how he wanted to drop from one of those canyons just touching the tips of the horizon.

_Wait, canyons?_ Shiro squinted in the bright rays of sunset. He told Keith to stop as he eased the breaks on the hoverbike.

He opened up the map and realized that they were a quarter of the journey away as seen from the map. As he announced it to Keith, Keith took out his own map and nodded after seeing it for himself. Shiro glanced up at the horizon. It was dusk and it was going to get dark soon. The orange cloud up ahead is going to reach the canyons pretty soon and it was probably a sandstorm. He considered it for a moment and just as he did, the sun decided to take a dip in the horizon, slipping down. It was going to get dark really soon and he knew that the hoverbikes headlights was definitely not strong enough to get them past the canyons.

"Maybe we should make camp and rest up. It's getting dark soon and we won't be able to make it past the canyons," Shiro suggested.

"But we're a quarter to the destination, we might as well go as far as we can."

"I don't know. It's going to get dark soon and there might be a sandstorm in front of us."

"We need to make it there as fast as possible and I don't want to waste whatever time we've got."

Shiro considered. Keith did have a point. But it was dangerous. Really dangerous. Shiro’s lungs could feel the pressure and started to force air faster into his chest. His worried expression probably solidified on his face. But maybe, if he followed along with Keith, Keith would think that he was listening to him. Maybe that would make Keith trust him. Maybe that would get Keith to listen. Maybe that would even get them to get along.

But Shiro's gut felt the impulse to slap himself because it was a bad idea. They could both get hurt. Then, Shiro wouldn’t be able to do anything anymore. Another name for Shiro's gut was called fear and sometimes for stupid reasons, Shiro didn’t listen to it.

Shiro closed his eyes with a sigh and nodded. "Alright. Let's go but we'll stop before the canyons."

Before he could finish, Keith sped off with Shiro blinked hard and followed.

\---------

The sun settled in cozily beneath the horizon. Shiro only wished that at this point, he could do the same. The only light source now was from the hoverbikes that shone about 5 feet in front of them. Shiro stopped them right in front of the canyons.

"This is where we should stop for today. It is too dark and we won't be able to navigate the canyons. Plus, there's a sandstorm inside."

 

The orange cloud had floated all the way to the canyons just to meet them but Shiro knew at once that they shouldn’t go through. It wasn't very strong but enough to make both their hair fly from their faces and their goggles to be put on.

"We've made it this far. It's just the canyons left," Keith said, his voice firm as he flipped on his torch and pointed it at his map.

Shiro turned his on as well and looked at the map again. His mouth was starting to dry up and he felt like he couldn’t speak for a second and it wasn’t due to dehydration because he had more than enough supplies.

He really, really, really did not want to pass through the canyons. It was too dangerous and even if they could make it, which was a chance too slim to try, the possibilities of it going wrong was endless. It was dark and they couldn't see very well. There was the sandstorm which made it a whole lot worse. Everyone knew canyons were curvy and had rocky edges that could toss, trip and even possibly rip you apart. There were too many possibilities of things going wrong and he couldn't let anyone risk their lives.

Not wanting to turn Keith down again, he looked for an alternative route on the map. "I don't think that is a good idea," Shiro said, pointing to the canyons. "But we could take a detour around it through there." He moved his finger to the right. "It might take us a while longer but it's safer and we should have sufficient fuel to make the journey."

"No, this is the fastest way and I want to get there as fast as possible. So what if it's dangerous? I can handle it," Keith said, determined as grabbed a scarf and covered his face up to his eyes. He geared up his hoverbike and rode forward at top speed.

"Wait!" Shiro called after but Keith didn’t listen as he increased his speed, heading for the canyons. Shiro could just leave him to ride through the canyons on his own. Sure, he could endanger his own life for all Shiro cared, especially if he was going to be this stubborn all the time. Shiro just couldn’t move forward because so many things could just go wrong. Just thinking about it made his heart palpitate and his stomach to plunge down, making him feel sick to the core. He was scared for his life. Shiro stood there but he wasn’t really there. He could control his body but it was as he was looking through the eyes of someone else. He just needed to get away from this but he couldn’t. He was stuck here, now, in this present moment. He wanted to think but it felt weird trying to think when you weren't in your own body, well it was his but it didn’t feel like it. He just sort of spaced out for a while. He didn’t know how long he had been there unmoved.

But then, he was overcome by the same feeling that had come to him when he had stopped the fight at the cafeteria. The same feeling that had told him it was the right thing to do, even though he had been terrified. No matter what, he couldn't let Keith do this, not by himself at least. He tried to picture himself in Keith's shoes and realized that he would have actually done the same. He would have taken his chances because he too was like Keith and even though Keith couldn’t see what he saw, he felt that maybe that was why he decided to go through all the trouble for him. Because he saw himself in him.

\--------

Shiro grabbed his scarf and fastened it around his face before pulling his goggles on and turning the headlight on his hoverbike to its maximum. The sandstorm had just picked the perfect time to arrive and welcomed Shiro into its canyon. Shiro took a deep breath before flying into the canyon.

Visibility was starting to get worse as he went deeper into the canyon. But thanks to his knowledge of canyons and training on the simulator, he was prepared for most of the twists and turns. However, there were a few close calls to the edges of rocks that nearly knocked him over and the spaces that were a bit of a squeeze. He rode faster, gaining more confidence as he weaved through the canyons tight walls.

Just in the distance, he could see Keith's tail light in front of him, flying at a slightly slower pace than him but it was fast enough for it to be dangerous.

Keith could sense Shiro's headlights behind him and sped forward. _Why is he here? I though he wasn’t following me,_ Keith thought with a small bit of fury. Shiro sped up closer to Keith, and was just at his tail. Keith was distracted and that was all it took for the wall of red rock to surprise him from the mist of sand and darkness. Keith careened towards it, leaning all the way towards the wall to try and get the hoverbike away from it as much as possible. He leaned with all his weight and forgot what had happened in the simulator situation, losing his balance as he was about to crash head first into the canyon. He was frozen. _This is how it ends,_ he thought.

Shiro pushed the accelerator to the maximum and with his weight balanced, expertly slid between Keith's hoverbike and the canyon wall he was about to hit. He swerved his hoverbike against Keith's tipping one, pushing it back up right and grabbing Keith's nearly falling body and shoved it away from him as hard as he could.

Keith was flung to the side, his hoverbike flying from under him, veering sideways.

Shiro could hear the sounds of the metal sides of his hoverbike tear against the canyon's sharp-edges walls. He curved to the opposite side of the canyon even more, now leaning with more of his weight. His hoverbike crashed into the sharp bend of the canyon. He could see the sky through the top of the sandstorm as he was flung from his hoverbike, his back hitting the canyon wall before falling to the ground.

The sound of the hoverbike crashing full on into the canyon wall vibrated through the walls, amplifying it even louder. Or maybe it was all in Shiro's head. His brain was out and he felt as though he was swimming in choppy waters, waves of darkness washing over him. He let them pass over him as he blacked out.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artists in order of appearance [Lucia-ik](http://lucia-ik.tumblr.com/), [Peanut-milk](http://peanut-milk.tumblr.com/) and [Aquasunshine](http://aquasunshine.tumblr.com/).

Shiro was out cold. Keith got tossed against the rock, his body bouncing off and landing on more rock that scraped and scratched him. He rolled over onto his stomach and lay there for a few heartbeats that rung like warning sirens in his ears but were just a tad bit too late. He heard the sound of metal tearing followed by a loud crash.

\-------

Shiro could only open his eyes a little bit. His vision was blurred but he could make large black shapes, the walls of the canyon maybe? Orange-yellow light illuminated somewhere up ahead but he couldn’t make out exactly how far that was.

The air hurt going into his raw chest and it felt worse when he breathed out. His head felt like someone had smashed a rock into it. Maybe he had hurt it upon impact when he had been flung into the side of the rocky walls. Shiro’s body felt heavier than lead, even a small twitch in his fingers required more effort than he could ever muster. His body ached and felt as if he had shattered every bone in his body. Maybe he had? But the worst was the back of his head, it weighed him down more than any other part and it felt a bit wet. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t even sure if he was alive at this point or if he was dead, although with the pain, the latter would probably coming for him soon, if it wasn’t already.

\-------

Keith ignored the pain and brought himself up into a sitting position, slight pain emitting from his chest and ribs. He examined his lower half to find scratches across his shin but they weren’t very deep; at least that was what he hoped judging from the feeling. His chest hurt but he was still breathing. He could breathe. He was alive.  _ Alive. Alive,  _ he assured his adrenaline-addled brain.  _ Shiro saved me, but Shiro crashed. Shiro! Oh God, what happened to Shiro? _

Keith dragged himself upwards, pushing through the pain toward his hoverbike. He could vaguely make out the light from the small sparks from the burning engine of Shiro's hoverbike. He rummaged and scrambled through his stuff, thankful that there wasn’t much, and was able to locate the flashlight in relatively little time. 

He clicked it on and ran toward Shiro's body, strewn from his hoverbike, now by the side of the rocks. The sparks had turned into small flames and from experience, Keith knew that it would not be long before the hoverbike would explode. Since they were so close to it, they would be even more badly hurt, if it did; and due to their surroundings being a canyon, getting crushed by falling rock was another possibility.

He sprinted and slammed down onto his knees next to Shiro, not bothered about the sharp rock beneath. He shone the bright white light, finding Shiro's head wet with blood trailing from the side of his head.

"Shiro! Shiro!" Keith shouted frantically, shaking Shiro's limp arm. "Shiro, are you okay? Are you hurt? Shiro, can you say something? Or move?" Keith felt his panic flood through him as if he had just opened his dam of panic.

_ Ugh, what are you thinking? There's blood and he's hurt, _ his logical senses seemed to slap him. From the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the fire on the hoverbike spreading faster. Now, it was on the wing, but it wouldn’t take long before it got to the engine and cause the entire thing to explode.

"Oh God, you're hurt. You're hurt," Keith mumbled, tears starting to prick his eyes. "It's all my fault. Okay, think Keith, think. The engine's gonna explode. You need to get the both of you out of here." 

 

Keith closed his eyes and tried to focus on what he would do next. He could smell gasoline in the air and it was enough for the panic to grow even bigger. This time it filled up his chest and choked him. It grew bigger and enclosed its hands around his throat. He just couldn’t think, he was stuck, he only could think of what would happen next and in the most horrible ways. All he wanted to do was curl into a ball and not feel this. He had felt like this too much when he had been younger and back then, he had used to let it take over him. He'd be immobile and he would feel himself just dissolving in what seemed like another world, where he felt nothing and his body was a shell. No, he hadn’t been high, well, not at that time, but sweat had drenched his palms, just as it was happening now.

He felt Shiro's pulse and exhaled a small sigh of relief: Shiro was alive. What next? He needed to get out of here. They needed to get out of here.

"Okay, Keith, okay. We're going to get out of here." Keith breathed in deeply but all of a sudden, it felt as though he had hit his head. He was pretty sure he hadn’t but he felt dizzy and his mouth had gone dry.  _ Oh no, it's coming back _ , his brain warned.

Keith forced his mind to ignore everything else and just focus on the present, locking whatever he was feeling into a box to be released in the form of tears or something later. But unfortunately, the worry would only grow, even when the dangers were gone. He'd still feel the anxiety of anything and everything going wrong; the feeling deep in his stomach, snaking its way further in, until his heart felt as though it was fighting for his life.

"Okay, Shiro, we need to get out of here, fast," Keith urgently assured himself, thinking of a plan in his head. This was one of the unusual times he would think of a plan because lately, his actions were just impulsive as hell.

_ Help Shiro up, get on the hoverbike, get out of here. _

\-------

From somewhere deep below, Shiro finally found the strength to crack his eyes open, even if it was just a slit. He could feel himself being brought up slightly, his limp arm hung over a neck and an arm around his waist, lifting him up. His legs couldn’t feel a thing so they just dragged along as someone moved him.

His brain could not focus, his eyes were just looking but not registering. Then, he heard a voice.

"We're going to be okay. We're going to get out of here," the voice said. He recognized it. Keith. Things were still registering slower than usual but at least he could make out the voice.

But it sounded as if Keith was crying. 

 

Just as quickly as he came to, he left consciousness again.

\--------

Keith didn’t even know he was crying until he felt the wet hot tears dripping down his face. He would love to fade out of this reality, just as he always did when he felt like this, but this was a serious situation and the tears definitely helped to keep him in the here and now. Waves of panic were drowning him and he knew that if he gave up and drowned in them, Shiro was going to drown too. He wrapped his arm tighter around Shiro's waist and somehow, they finally made to his hoverbike. It was thankfully unscathed or at least appeared to be. With one hand, he shone the flashlight and laid Shiro on the hoverbike. He got onto it next and with the arm holding the flashlight, pulled Shiro into a sitting position with his back pressing against Keith's chest. Shiro was a lot taller than Keith but he managed to lay Shiro's head on his shoulder. He hoped that the hoverbike would be able to handle both their weight but there was no choice anymore, or at least that was the best that he could do in this situation. With his free hand, he started up the hoverbike, seeing the headlights shine on and with the added light from the flashlight, he prayed that he could see clearly and far enough for them to get out of the canyon alive.

He shifted into gear and the hoverbike sped on a little but with the extra weight, it was a lot slower. He pressed the pedal harder down until it couldn’t go any faster.

Behind him, the last spark lit, enough to blow up the engine of the hoverbike. The impact was sure felt as Keith's hoverbike surged forward but not enough to drop the both of them. The canyon walls seem to feel it too and responded by raining down rocks, as if trying to douse the flames. Without warning, the walls folded in on themselves just as Keith rode out of it. A boulder nearly missed the tail of the hoverbike as Keith narrowly swerved from under it.

Keith was grateful for whatever light he had as it illuminated the rest of the canyon in front of him. In fact, he had discovered the right way to ride a hoverbike, as he reminded himself of Shiro's advice to balance his weight. That and the panic were the only things that helped him get them out of the canyon alive.

\--------

It was a miracle. They had done it. They’d managed to get out of the canyon. Keith breathed with relief but it was short-lived. Where were they supposed to go now? The distance ahead had an answer in the shape of a… a shed?

Keith didn’t really care and rode toward it because, well, it was better than being a speck in the desert with the sun heating everything overhead and an injured Shiro. Keith hadn't had the time to look at him fully but he noticed that the bleeding from his head had stopped and there were many cuts on Shiro's arms and legs. Shiro was still unconscious though, and Keith just hoped that everything else was going to be alright.

Tiny orange and yellow rays illuminated the road to the shed, letting them know that the sunrise was approaching and also making the shed look like they were about to reach a safe haven.

Keith's shoulders felt numb from all the tension as his posture had been rigid all the way from the canyon to the shed. But he was going to get them to safety, that was what he needed to focus on.

 

\--------

It was an old wooden shed, probably abandoned for a few years, but the structure seemed sound enough. Keith stopped the hoverbike by the porch and stared at it in the light of dawn.

It was the size of half an average house, with a small porch at the front. Completely made of wood, it had two windows at the front covered in dust but surprisingly still intact. Keith couldn’t see any evidence that this place had been broken into, but then again, no one would even come to the middle of a desert for any reason. Well, beggars can't be choosers and this place would have to do until they figure out a way to get to their destination.

Keith held Shiro as he slid carefully off the hoverbike, his body no longer aching and the scrapes on his arms minor reminders of the canyon. He lay Shiro, who was alive but still unconscious, onto the hoverbike. He slid out his knife from the backpack in the storage unit of the hoverbike.  _ Better safe than sorry _ , he thought, bringing the knife close to his face in case something attacked him on sight. He stepped onto the porch. Hearing the wood creak under his feet gave him a slight worry that it was not built to last but after a few steps, he discovered that it was due to it being unoccupied.

He walked to the windows and peered in, like a curious child. He had once been curious too, but that had changed when he’d realized that it would only get him in trouble, especially at the orphanage and in his foster homes. And about that time was when the anxiety had struck him, leaving an unending scar that he knew the effects of too well, even though he tried to conceal as much of it as possible. Nobody could know and so far, nobody did.

Keith held his breath, half-expecting something to come at him from the other side of the window. But nothing. Exhaling, he checked the other window but he couldn’t see through either because of the thick layer of dust.

He clearly didn’t know what was in the shed and a part of him wanted it to remain that way. But Shiro was hurt and he couldn’t stay like out in the open. The guilt was ravenously tearing away at his insides about what he put them through and how Shiro was in this state because of him. It was all his fault. His fault.

He tried the door and as if in a horror movie, it was unlocked.  _ At least we don’t have to break in through the window _ , his brain tried to distract him with the positive but then again if it was unlocked, anything could have gotten inside. He hesitated for a moment before turning the rusty door handle and entering.

The first thing Keith noticed was everything was white. Everything was covered in dust and below that lay white sheets, with probably furniture underneath. The air was stale and musty but light was streaming in through the windows, displaying the dust motes dancing in the rays of the sun. He stepped inside, knife still raised and ready for anything, or at least that was how he hoped to appear, if there was anyone or anything here.

Keith scanned the inside and realized that this was the only room in the shed. He pulled off a sheet to reveal an old sofa under the window and another sheet with a small coffee table and a couple of books underneath. He pulled the other sheets in the room off the furniture, finding a small TV, a bookshelf with various knick-knacks, a desk and a chair, drawers, and what seemed like a kitchen set-up, which consisted of a mini-fridge and a stove-like area with a power socket. He walked further inside to find a toilet and a sink behind it. 

 

His footsteps stirred up the dust in the room. The dust was heavy, as was the silence, which one could have found rather peaceful and serene. The place seemed safe enough for them for a while.

He managed to shift Shiro from the hoverbike and drag him onto the sofa. He gently lay his body down first onto it before examining the wound on his head. It was on the side and close to his hairline. The blood had dried but had left a trail down the side of his face. It didn’t look deep, but what did Keith know, it could have been a concussion for all he knew. He decided that he had to patch Shiro up when he awoke. 

Keith looked at Shiro with wide eyes. He looked so much younger when he was asleep that he looked younger than Keith himself. He had an innocent air about him and the way sun illuminated his face gave him a halo.  _ He is an actual angel, he saved me,  _ Keith thought to himself. He tenderly placed his head on the dusty armrest of the sofa. He started to pace around, trying to convince himself that Shiro was going to be alright.

He decided to sort through his backpack and see what supplies could help the both of them last through at least the next day. He laid them out on the coffee table. Two bottles of water, that was supposed to last about two more days. Three granola bars and a tiny packet of beef jerky, which Keith had snuck into his bag. The flashlight he had used to get out of the canyon. The scarf to cover his face with in a sandstorm. A tiny and probably insufficient first-aid kit, which he didn’t even bother opening when he had packed it. A Swiss Army knife. An extra T-shirt and a pair of socks, just in case it got cold. He had only brought the bare minimum because he hadn’t expected this to happen. His mind told him that he should have but after ignoring and even suppressing all the warning bells in his head for so long, it had become a habit to just do it on impulse and never to think anything through, not even plan. There had been a point in time where he had, but he didn’t anymore.

His gaze flickered toward the water as his throat burned. He hadn't had anything to drink since yesterday before the canyon but he was sure he was starting to feel the effects of thirst in a desert.  _ Maybe just a small sip won't hurt,  _ he thought, reaching for a bottle when a soft moan sounded behind him from the sofa.  

He turned around at neck-breaking speed and was on his knees, facing Shiro.

 

"Keith," Shiro croaked. "Keith, where are we? What happened?"

"Shhhh, we're in some shed. But we're safe. I got us out of the canyon," Keith said, placing his hand on Shiro's. "But how are you feeling? Are you hurt? Can you move?"

"I think I can," Shiro said, trying to move into a sitting position. 

 

"Woah, slow down there. Not so fast," Keith replied gently as he placed a hand on Shiro’s back and helped him lean on the sofa's armrest. 

 

"But my head. Ah!" Shiro grimaced, bringing his right hand to it and feeling the dried blood.

"Does it hurt? It was bleeding after your head hit the wall when you crashed, I think? I think I can patch it up. It doesn’t look too deep but you might have a concussion. I wanted to fix it up just now but I didn't want to wake you or anything,” Keith stammered, his gaze full of concern. "Let me see it again and I think I can fix it up."

Shiro nodded and let his hand drop, allowing Keith to take over. Keith gingerly lifted his forelock to take a look at his head before opening the first-aid kit, thankful for the extremely limited amount of gauze, bandages, cotton balls and antiseptic creams inside that would have to do. 

 

"I don’t think it needs stitches. I'll clean it up first before bandaging it up," he said it more for himself to be assured that he knew what he was doing but he was given away by the quiver in his voice.

He opened the bottle of water he had been going to drink from and dabbed some water onto a cotton ball to clean the wound. It wasn't that deep but Keith wasn’t an expert at this, he only knew how to fix minor scratches he had sustained as a child and had been forced to fix himself because no one would do it for him.

He dabbed on some antiseptic cream before bandaging the wound with the gauze and bandages. Keith told Shiro about what had happened, about the accident and how he had crashed and how they had ended up here. As he was almost done going around Shiro's head with the bandage, he realized that Shiro was completely silent, his face blank. It was odd, fixing someone up in almost total silence. Yet there was something comforting about it, or maybe it was just being with Shiro and seeing him be alright.

"There you go," Keith announced with triumph as he sat down next to Shiro's outstretched legs.

Shiro was quiet because his brain wasn’t blank, but rather tired and overfilled, trying to make sense and comprehend what had happened. Then he started to remember. He remembered following Keith into the canyon, going deeper until Keith had nearly crashed and him diving in to push him away and taking the brunt of the crash instead. Most importantly, he remembered seeing the stars on the way down and then just blackness.

Finally, he spoke. "Thank you, Keith. Really, thank you. I'm grateful that you saved us both back there. And found a place to rest up for a bit. Keith, you're actually pretty amazing. I don't even know where I'd be without you right now," Shiro gave him a small, soft smile. He reached over and patted Keith's hand.

Keith's heartbeat seemed to radiate from his ears and echo throughout the room. He knew that it was his fault. He had gotten them into this mess with his stupid attitude, with his stupid mistakes. He had let Shiro crash into a rock wall just to save him. He had let him nearly die because of him. The guilt overflowed in him and if his ears weren't deceiving him, why was Shiro not blaming him for any of it? Instead, he thanked him for saving his life? When Shiro had actually saved his?

He couldn’t stop himself from asking him. "But aren't you mad? Aren't you angry that you're hurt because of me? Because I'm too impulsive. Because of my stupid and stubborn ways. I know it's all my fault. It's all because of me. You can just blame me for it! It's my fault!"

Keith's eyes pricked with tears. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. "I did it to… to prove a point. That you could reach a breaking point. I know you're perfect and all and I just couldn’t believe it. I just wanted to do something that could get you and Iverson off my back." Keith looked away at his feet and Shiro noticed him grit his teeth and his hands were now clenched into fists in his lap. He could tell that Keith hated to say this, hated to admit this.

Keith clenched and unclenched his jaw and continued. "I know all of you are trying to change me. Trying to make me into some perfect cadet, like you." He sighed. "But I can't. I'm not perfect, I'm just a troublemaker. And that's all I'm ever gonna be. A dumb, stubborn troublemaker. I'm a failure and I can't be like you.” 

A tear trickled down his face but he didn’t wipe it and let it fall instead on the back of his fist.

They sat in silence for a few seconds. Shiro was dumbfounded and he just didn’t know what to say, all his composure knocked out by Keith's words. His breath seemed to be knocked out as well because it was just all too much. But he understood what Keith was saying and how he meant every word.

"Hey, hey, look at me," Shiro said softly and leaned in closer. Keith turned his head towards him. He noticed Shiro’s eyes in the light for the first time. They were actually a dark brown, like the brown of the deep woods, a gentle reminder of the warmth of nature. And surrounding it was the steel grey outline, almost non-existent but if you looked close enough, it was there. It was the prettiest pair of eyes that Keith had ever aid his own eyes on.

"I'm not mad. And you don't have to feel that way. You have talent, okay? And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to make you feel better but I'm not perfect in any way–,"

"You are and… and–," Keith sniffed, "–and it matters a whole lot because I look up to you, okay? I've heard about what you do, how you pilot, how you're everyone's favourite but I… I… I just can't be perfect. I don't want to care about it but I do, okay? I fucking do. And I do all these… these… reckless things because I want to show that I could be of use, that I can do something. But if I don't, I never will do anything, ever. I start to wonder and to question myself. And then I feel anxious and I worry and I feel as if the world if just going to collapse around me because I'm just wrong, like I'm just doing everything wrong! I can't help what I do anymore because if I do, I'll start to question everything and I'll feel everything. Sometimes, I just don't want to feel it. Feel it like tremors in my body, the sweat in my palms, like my heart could just explode. No one feels like that. I can't change but I just don’t want to feel so… so I don’t really think anymore, I just do. I don’t know how and this is just…how it's gonna be, I guess?"

Large tears started to fall from Keith's eyes. Shiro didn’t know how to explain it but it was as if someone had taken his brain and emptied all his thoughts and emotions, put them into a bowl, stirred them and poured them into Keith. Sure, he and Matt were alike in the way their parents raised them, but this was a totally different story.

"You… you really feel that way?" Shiro asked, his tone filled with awe but there was a gentleness to it.

"Yeah, I do. And I finally said it. But go ahead, laugh at me like everyone else in the world." Keith brought a hand to his face, wiping away tears. He might as well be sweeping away his dignity as well, since he was letting everything out. But Keith couldn’t stop it when he was at fault for all of this. When he had caused this. Shiro deserved an explanation, especially after everything he had put him through.

"Keith," Shiro said, putting an arm around Keith's smaller form. This time, Keith didn’t flinch away but his jaw still clenched up a bit, which was obvious since he had just released almost all his feelings. Keith didn’t seem like the tough kid anymore. He seemed like a younger Shiro.

"That is so wrong but so true. The one thing is though, I'm not perfect. Never was and never will be. The way you feel… like questioning. Questioning all that you do, being worried about everything even though you know." Shiro laughed bitterly and continued as if no one was listening anymore and his words were just for himself. "You know nothing is going to happen or go wrong. But you can't help it. Can't help being scared to slip up, scared to be in front and face everyone. And the worst part is knowing that you've failed and it just makes you freeze so that you stuck not knowing what you should do. The way you can't breathe or when you can no longer speak or even do anything for that matter." Shiro paused for a second, everything that had been bottled up for years just rushing out faster than gravity's pull.

"I… I feel that too. I feel that more than anything I've ever felt. I feel it in my bones, it just radiates out of me but no one, and I mean no one can detect it. I'm afraid when they do, it would just break me, like  _ that _ hasn’t already happened," Shiro finished.

"I've never met, no; never even  _ heard _ about someone else feeling this way," Keith murmured, staring at Shiro, also in shock of his confession. The perfect Golden Boy not perfect, not golden, not what everyone thinks of him to be.

"Well, now you have," Shiro responded, his voice no longer big and confident but small, almost weak. Keith noticed the vulnerability in it now.

They turned away and stared at their feet and let the new rush of bottled-up thoughts, feelings, anxieties flow. These were things none of them had even admitted to themselves, let alone anyone else. In that exact moment, the world didn’t seem so big, the desert plains weren't so vast, they were the same. Just some struggling teenagers trying to find their way in the world, though lost and fearful as they may be, they found the courage or at least attempted to in order to succeed.

Keith spoke up first. "How did yours start? Well, if you don’t mind me asking?"

"Um, it's hard to pinpoint the exact moment everything came crashing down but I think it was after I moved here from Japan." And from there, Shiro told his story about the difficulties in moving to another country, another culture. How his parents had wanted him to do well and how the pressure had consumed him. Sure, he'd get the grades but he was a mess internally. How he had been bullied and tortured but somehow managed to overcome it by defending himself. The terrible coping mechanisms he had used. And how he'd gotten to the Garrison but it still wasn’t a walk in the park for him. Keith nodded his head in agreement most of the time, though he was still in shock that a literal legend like this faced something that he did and felt as he felt.

There was certainly a cathartic feel to it and for once, Shiro didn’t leave anything out, didn’t have to hide because somehow Keith understood. When he was done, it was Keith's turn.

"For me, I guess it happened when I was six and my dad left. Mom had already gone after I was born, then it was the orphanage. As you could already tell, the kids there were mean and I guess that was why I started becoming defensive. Then came the foster care system. And, well, things just got worse. I mean, my dad left, and no one really wanted me. And everyone just kept trying to change me, to make me “better” Keith gestured with air quotation marks. 

"I was already so confused with everything as it was, I didn’t want to change at all. But everyone has told me… that… that I'm wrong. I couldn’t stop thinking or worrying and the insecurities just grew from then on. My head would just think and it can never stop. I could go on thinking and be a panicking mess for forever, I swear. But… but then I decided to not think or feel anymore, and just do, whether it was bad or good, I would just do it. I guess you could say that was where my impulsiveness came from." Keith chuckled and Shiro joined in.

"Yeah, well believe it or not, that was how I got the Garrison's scholarship. I didn’t have the grades but somehow I managed it and now we're here," Keith finished.

"By here, you mean, stranded in the desert with an injured head and low supplies?" Shiro said, trying to lighten the mood, although to be fair, his humor was almost always morbid and dark.

"Sure as hell, we are," Keith answered, actually being one of the few people to decipher the joke. He laughed harder than he should have but it was something that resounded in him. 

 

"You know, my jokes are pretty bad but the fact that you got it makes a whole lot of difference to my self-esteem!" Shiro chuckled as Keith laughed as well, his eyes just crinkling at the ends a little. The fact that he had made Keith laugh seem to fill him with a certain joy that he could not place his finger upon but he felt blessed in that moment.

_ \--------- _

They talked and talked and talked. Until suddenly, Shiro coughed and, for the first time since he had woken up, realized that he was thirsty. That brought them back to the reality of being in a desert with limited supplies. Shiro's head didn’t hurt that much anymore and felt good enough to walk around. They combed through the old wooden shed, finding nothing but dust motes and the creaking conversation of floorboards under their feet.

They decided that each of them could take a bottle of water and that they would split the food. After consulting the map, it turned out that they had passed the canyon and were a short distance from the meeting point, approximately half a day's ride away and they still had a day or so extra in total to travel there. They had a mission to complete but something about their relationship didn’t seem so serious now. They could joke and laugh, not afraid of saying something wrong.

"So how about we rest up for the rest of today, then leave at the crack of dawn tomorrow?" Suggested Shiro.

"Yeah, that sounds good. But what if we left slightly earlier, because, I mean, it's a straight road, then we could ride through the sunrise?" Keith replied with a smile as inspected the last section of his hoverbike. It was otherwise unscathed except for the scratch across its shiny red metal side, revealing grey steel, almost the colour of the outline of Shiro's eyes, Keith realized. 

"Cool, then it’s settled." Shiro continued leaning against the front door of the shed. He wanted to check the hoverbike himself, especially with Keith telling him what had happened, or what at least he had felt, from the canyon accident. But he knew Keith got this because he knew what he was doing.

Keith too, wondered if Shiro was going to inspect the thing himself but since Shiro didn’t bring it up, then it was probably enough. Although, after he thought of how he could probably miss out something and cause another accident, he asked Shiro for help.

\------

They watched the sunset from the porch, eating bits of the food they had. Suddenly, there seemed too much to talk about, as if they needed to catch up on their entire lives. Lost childhoods, the sleepless nights of hopeless worry, the dreams about never-ending space, even thoughts about the universe and if it would ever need saving.

"But what if the universe needed saving one day? I mean, everyone needs to be saved at one point, right?"

"Then we'll have to step up then."

"We? You mean you and only you? I mean sure, it's a noble duty. But only one for you, and your brave and heroic ass."

"Shut up! You know you would too if the time ever comes."

"Yeah, I'll give it a thought."

\-------

Shiro argued that Keith had taken care of him and let him sleep on the sofa so he should be the one to take the sofa next. Keith argued that Shiro's head was hurt and he should rest. They argued until one of them realized how funny their argument was. Instead, they sat opposite each other, leaning against the walls of the shed, waiting for the other to sleep first. It was practically a game. Keith smirked and Shiro let out a low chuckle.

Unfortunately, the only winner was exhaustion, which knocked them both out. However, it was Shiro who woke up first. He opened his eyes and saw Keith. He was fast asleep, head still against the wall. He looked again like the boy he had seen for the first time in the cafeteria, so young and innocent but there was definitely more to it. And he knew, well at least he thought he knew, more about him. He cocked his head to the side and saw that the sun was starting to rise too.

He realized that maybe Matt was right about this, about the bonding, but he didn’t know if this would last till Garrison _. What if he's only like this because we're alone? What if he goes back to his old self once we're back? Then what _ ?  Shiro calmed himself down because the time just wasn’t right for him to have a breakdown. He was almost calm when he decided that he needed to wake Keith up.

He touched him on the shoulder gingerly shook it. "Hey, Keith, wake up. We need to go." 

 

Keith was still fast asleep and Shiro noticed that Keith was still snoring softly. 

 

"Keith, buddy, we really need to go. Like now, or we're not gonna make it."

Somehow Shiro's voice managed to reach into Keith's unconsciousness and he woke up. He rubbed his eyes and saw Shiro watching him. 

 

"And a good morning to you too," Keith mumbled.

"And how good is good exactly?" Shiro asked and received a laugh from Keith.

They packed the rest of the stuff, checked the shed if they had left anything behind, something which Shiro insisted that each of them go through at least twice until he was confident enough that they hadn't left anything. Keith didn’t get it but respected that Shiro was careful by nature.

They put their things into the storage compartment of the hoverbike and closed the door behind them, closing the door to their little shed of joy, a small piece of heaven, for the last day.

"My head might be kinda messed up, so why don't you get us back?" Shiro suggested.

"Uh, are you serious?" Keith asked, as if Shiro had just said they should just run away from the Garrison.

"Yeah, I trust you with this," Shiro said. "I believe in you. You got this, okay? Besides, when you're tired, then we can switch."

"I don’t think I can, though. I mean, after what I did at the canyon?"

"Sure, you can. Just remember,  _ patience yields focus _ . Think of that when you're feeling like you don’t want to think, it will help you focus. That’s what usually helps me, at least." Shiro gave him an encouraging pat on the back.

"Patience. Yields. Focus." Keith breathed and got onto the hoverbike. Shiro followed suit and put on the helmet to protect his injury.

"Oh, and uh… um, Keith?"

"Yeah?"

"When we get back to the Garrison, you know you can always come to me. For anything. At all. Just say the word, and I'll be there, okay? No terms and conditions or anything like that."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks, Shiro, for um… everything."

They rode the rest of the journey in silence. Shiro thought that Keith was concentrating and didn’t want to disrupt him so he let him think in silence.

Keith didn’t know what he should do, he couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted Shiro on his side or not. He realized that they were both more alike that he had ever thought and the fact that they were able to communicate like how they had in the past few days was definitely saying a lot. No one had been able to ever do that with him and yet, despite his mistakes and how he had treated Shiro the in the past. Shiro had understood and was patient with him throughout the entire ordeal, even if he was going through what Keith was going through, in terms of their heavy feelings.

And that was something that shouldn’t be taken lightly or for granted, for that matter. Keith needed this. He needed Shiro, and as much as he loved being on his own and independent, he sometimes needed someone too. But what if this weakened him? Made him less self-reliant? He never had someone before so maybe this would be good for him. Plus, Shiro was offering this, no strings attached. Keith knew how things were going to turn out and for once, he had control over it.

\-------

It must have been noon or a little bit after because the sun stared directly down at them, the heat making the horizon shiver a little before their tired eyes. It took them a while before they recognized the dull grey and green hangar of the Garrison, which was open. Standing tall, with arms folded behind his back, was none other than Iverson himself. 

 

Keith slowed down the hoverbike to a crawl and skillfully, maybe with a little smugness, stopped the bike a few feet in front of Iverson.

"And the first team to make it is… Shiro and Keith. Congratulations, " Iverson announced, voice echoing through the large hangar. His tone wasn’t sarcastic, but almost... proud?

They got off the hoverbike and Keith looked to Shiro to respond. He wanted to say something but knew that Shiro was better at this so he bit his tongue. 

 

Shiro straightened up and pulled off his helmet. "Thank you, Sir," he said, his tone changing into the confident, a little too respectful one that Keith had noticed he used around important people.

"Well, I must say, I'm impressed, then. First team to make it back and probably with the best timing. Good work, Shiro."

"But I couldn’t have done any of it without Keith," Shiro replied immediately. Keith glanced up at Shiro, the tiniest smile on his face.

Shiro slipped off his helmet and the sight of his injured head caught Iverson's attention. He marched towards him and leaned forward to examine the injury. No signs of worry crossed his face but he leaned back and said, "And this must be Keith's doing too, I guess?"

Now, Keith wanted to say something. His fist clenched but the next words weren't his.

"Actually, Sir, Keith's the one who saved me. My hoverbike crashed and Keith was the one that rescued me and patched me up and got us back here and in the first place. If Keith has to take anything, then I think Keith deserves credit for this. If you would excuse me, I think I'm going to head to the medical facility to get this checked out," Shiro said without a second thought, no doubt present to make his voice waver. He knew he wouldn’t usually do this but suddenly, a part of him had called him to.

"Very well." Iverson nodded and Shiro side-stepped away and walked past him. Keith followed suit. It felt good for once that he didn’t have to stand up for himself. He knew he was the only one he could rely on but for once, it felt a little nice for someone doing it for him. He liked it but he knew that he shouldn’t expect it all the time.

Keith insisted that he walk Shiro to the medical facility and they made small talk along the way. But Keith couldn’t help feeling that maybe this was the end. They were back at the Garrison, so shouldn’t things return to normal too? He knew they would probably drift apart and Keith would be nothing but a troublemaker again.

When they reached the infirmary, Shiro turned to Keith. "Okay, I know the trip's over, but I meant what I said. I'm still here for you if you ever need me. Oh, and remember:  _ Patience Yields Focus _ ."

"Yeah, I will, because they're truly words to live by. See you around, I guess," Keith said and smiled faintly before walking back to his dorm. He was tired but mostly conflicted. 

 

_ I know I can trust him, we've established that but will he always be there? What if I become weak because of him? But it's nice having someone else around to talk to. But do I want to get close to him? To open up? Maybe this would be a good thing? Who knows?  Well, anyone but me, obviously,  _ Keith thought with a sigh and ran his fingers through his black bangs, brushing them back.

\-------

They fixed him up pretty well but there wasn’t much of an injury in the first place. They gave him some pills and told him to come back if he felt giddy or had trouble seeing. Shiro trudged back to his dorm. He was exhausted but also kind of happy? It was a weird feeling, like tiny glowy butterflies that have even tinier spikes pin-pricking him in his stomach. He wasn’t upset at all about his head, okay, maybe a little. But more importantly, he felt fearless in a new sort of way.  He realized that it was all to do with Keith, inspiring him in one of the worst ways possible, not thinking too much.

Somehow Keith knew, and Keith understood the complicated muddle of his thoughts. But Shiro was worried. How long would it last? Would it even last in the first place? He felt the need to bridge the gap no matter what.

He opened his door to find Matt sprawled across his bed, feet in the air and hands supporting his face, where a mischievous smile was smeared across it. "Sooooo, how was the triiiiiip? Someone’s team won first place right?" He asked Shiro coyly.

"Yeah, Keith and I did. The trip was good and you were actually right. I mean no surprise that you  _ are _ always right. But, yeah it was good." Shiro gave it a thought, and it was enough to make him oddly grin.

"Oh, so it was good, huh?"

"Yup." Shiro then proceeded to tell Matt about the entirety of the trip and with such animatedness that Matt was surprised at the sudden change in his friend.

That night Shiro lay in bed, unable to sleep as usual even though he was so freaking tired. He kept going back over and over the last interaction between Keith and him. Was it too weird? Was it awkward? It was never a good sign when you lay awake in bed in the middle of the night and think about someone. Often, that would be associated with having a crush, but no this was just Shiro getting to know someone, right? A new-found friend perhaps?

But what if Keith didn’t want to really talk to him again? What if he turned back into the other person he had been before again? Shiro didn’t want it to just end like that. And what if it was his fault that he wasn’t doing enough? Wasn’t doing what he should be doing? What if this would negatively affect his Kerberos mission? But that thought was at the back of his mind because what if Keith didn’t like Shiro and it had all been just an act, to get an advantage over him? But then, why share something so personal?

_ Ugh, whatever, _ he thought.  _ I'm just going to do what's right anyway. _

The following morning, he wrote the report that got Keith what he wanted and it was probably the only thing standing between him and the Kerberos mission. He wrote exactly what happened from the start to the end of the trip, the growth and changes in Keith, trying to be as unbiased as possible. He hesitated in the part where he had caused the accident in the canyon because that, he felt, might have been partly at fault too. He knew this might be the end of their interactions, because once this was handed in, Keith was no longer under his care. Just as Keith would have wanted and Shiro knew after how he had treated him in the desert, he owed him that at least.

His fingers left tiny droplets of sweat as he placed the paper on Iverson's desk. He sighed as the weight of it resonated through the wooden table, knowing that he had done his part.

\--------

Keith received a slip of paper, just as he had received the first saying he was going to be mentored by Shiro. It stated that he had excelled under Shiro's mentorship and was not required to check in with him anymore.

Shiro received an identical one. His heart broke a bit when he saw it, as if the endless summer afternoon that he had spent with Keith was over. It felt like a long time they had been doing this thing and with the constant pressure and watchful eyes boring into them, yet it had been an enjoyable process and he should just leave it as that.

So, it surprised him when Keith came up to him after his class. "Hey, so, uh, um, you're not mentoring me anymore, huh?"

"Yeah, you're a free man." Shiro laughed.

"Yeah, well, uh, this is going to sound kinda weird but… um… would you maybe still wanna hang with me? I mean it’s totally up to you, no… no pressure or anything. Just wanted to know if you wanted to because it would be nice if we could…" Keith trailed off, eyes flickering toward the ground and unable to look Shiro directly in the eyes. He wanted this. He wanted to have a friend he could trust, possible even confide in; because somehow Shiro understood the unspeakable and the fact that he was patient with him had already won him over.

"Oh," Shiro was surprised. Like, extremely surprised. Keith still wanted to see him? For real? "Yes, we could. If you… if you wanted to." 

 

Shiro wanted to jump for joy that Keith had actually wanted to see him, but reacting in that way would have caused attention.

"Okay cool. Then, I'll see you at our usual place tonight," Keith was shaking, he had just asked Shiro to hang with him, and he had agreed, which meant that he was not going to push him away, yet.

Shiro was shaking too because Keith could still be there for him. But then the worry crept in to ruin his good mood. It whispered in his ear,  _ what if this is short-lived after he realizes what a lame and boring person you are? What if after this he doesn’t want to see you again? Or what if he's just using you? _

Shiro didn’t want to listen to it but it diffused into his brain nonetheless. For the rest of the day, Shiro could hardly focus on his classes. His brain kept dissecting their recent conversation down to its bare bones. He was shaking slightly and he had never felt more nervous. Well, to be fair, he was always nervous, but this time especially so. 

\--------

They hung out at their usual spot on the viewing deck. It was quiet and serene but not as awkward as the first night they had stood here. They were no longer had their guard up around each other as the tension between them seemed to melt and the awkwardness dissolved. Time seemed to pass at a much faster rate than usual.

Suddenly, they weren't just hanging out talking on the viewing deck. They were taking night runs around the compound, racing in the simulators, sparring in the empty gym, cramming in the library. Suddenly, it wasn’t just at the end of the day, it was when the sun rose, in between classes, the crowded lunches, the tired dinners that became somewhat even fun. Suddenly, their feelings of worry also seemed to become BFFs, both probably hanging out together too and not bothering them. Suddenly, their worlds started to change, they looked forward to seeing each other. Before, they would bottle things up but now they confided in each other as if they’ve known each other forever. Suddenly, their universe seemed smaller and brighter with appearances of new stars.

\---------

"Well, hello there," Matt called as he craned his neck toward the door as an exhausted but happy Shiro walked in. He looked flushed and his black hair was damp with sweat, forelock messily slicked back. He wore the Garrison's tank top, his muscular arms gleamed with sweat and the tank top stuck to him so tightly that it revealed his abs, which seemed to be carved out of marble underneath. Matt wasn’t excited over the sight of a buff Shiro but more because of the rumors that he'd been hearing the past couple of weeks.

"Haven't seen you in a while, dude," Matt said, his tone definitely leading somewhere.

"What are you talking about? Didn’t we see each other this morning?" Shiro asked, still unaware of the conversation's direction. Matt was going straight to the point. 

"Yes, well, my point being we hardly see each other anymore because you're always busy now. And no, I'm not jealous at all, believe me, you would be the first to know. But I have noticed, and I'm not the only one, that you've been spending a lot of time with Keith the Troublemaker."

"Do people really call him that?" Shiro asked.

"People are talking and you care if they are calling him names?"

"No, he just hasn’t been getting into trouble lately and I thought that–,"

"Yes, and that's all because of you. Which–," Matt swerved his chair around to face Shiro and to stare directly into his eyes, "–brings me to my question. Now, just tell me the truth, not just because you're my friend but because you may need to face it too. Is there anything going on between you and Keith?"

Shiro was taken aback. His eyes narrowed so he could re-evaluate the question again to make sure he heard it right. "You mean is there anything happening between Keith and I?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I asked," Matt replied, folding his hands together thoughtfully.

_ Are people really saying that? I mean, just because I spend all my time with someone that actually knows what I'm saying and doesn’t expect anything from me in return. Someone that wants to know the secrets of the universe and how sometimes panic can engulf one's soul. Someone that I have learnt to figure out and actually now trust wholeheartedly. Who, now that I think about it, looks pretty hot, especially when he gets angry. And definitely who can appreciate the good kind of morbid jokes. Oh God, am I actually--,  _ Shiro stopped his train of thought right there because he already knew the answer. If there had been a lightbulb on top of his head, it would have glowed so bright, it would have blown up.

In that exact moment, he knew that he was so far deep, there was no way out.

"No, no. I mean, like, what? Who would even think up something like that? It's just impossible," Shiro lied through to his teeth to Matt and to himself. He was in disbelief at himself. Okay, maybe he did have the teeniest tiniest crush on Keith. But who wouldn't have a crush on someone like him?

Shiro forced a laugh and just shook his head.

"Okay, then." Matt nodded but then a smile flickered across his face. "But just remember if anything ever happens between you two, I was the one that saw the spark first!"

Shiro laughed even harder but he felt like a weight dropped on him. He liked that he seemed compatible with Keith but he knew the truth. It would never, ever work out between them. Keith would never feel the same way about him. He should be lucky to even be considered his friend and he wouldn’t want to change anything about their relationship. If he ever said anything, it might just ruin anything. All Keith needed was a friend and he wouldn’t push him beyond it. They had both taken a leap of faith with this, so maybe this was the limit. He was pretty sure Keith didn’t feel the same way about him.

\--------

"It is with great pleasure that I announce the postings of the Kerberos mission." Iverson cleared his throat and took a deep breath before continuing. It was early morning and everyone had been called down to the main hall for a mandatory assembly.

"This mission to collect ice samples from the planet Kerberos will be supervised by Senior Head of Department of Sciences and Engineering Sam Holt. The engineer selected for the team is… Matthew Holt."

The students and staff politely clapped, not surprised at all because Matt was an engineering genius. What they really wanted to know was who was the pilot.

"The pilot selected for the team is…"

Anticipation and excitement filled the air, making it so electrically-charged that it was so close to bursting into sparks. People held their breath and some even grabbed onto those that had the potential of making it. Every second leading up to it felt like a lifetime and the ticks were so audible that it echoed through the large room. Breaths held and hearts pounding, everyone's eyes were on either Iverson's mouth or the potential pilots.

"Takashi Shirogane."

Shiro stood there, just another face in the crowd, never had he been more shocked in his life. His hearing turned to static and vision went blurry for a second as he processed the news. He realized that as he had been holding his breath, his fists were clenched up, nails digging into his palms. He released them and suddenly he was free. He had been selected to be the pilot of the Kerberos mission. He had done it. He had achieved it. All this effort was finally paying off.

People slapped him on the back, grabbed his shoulder, shook him and his hands. Suddenly, everyone was around him, congratulating him on making the most coveted spot. He accepted it as sincerely and as gratefully as he could, but wow was he in shock. There was only noise around him now and he could feel himself being dissolved by it.

He somehow managed to get away that day back to his dorm, which was thankfully empty and locked the door behind him. He was happy, very happy because he had done it. He had really done it. But something in his heart felt otherwise. Some part of it was unsure, unsettled by it. Out of everyone else, he had made it but something about the whole thing just didn’t sit well with him.

For the rest of the days ahead, he seemed stuck in the clouds again. People said he was still in shock and overjoyed but really, he was confused, lost and floating again. Keith was the first to notice the change but he didn’t want to push him about it because from Shiro's experience with him, Shiro would never pressure him and he would give him the same space.

\-------

The celebration before the Kerberos mission happened a few days later. Brightly lit and with some alcohol involved even, it was held in the same main hall as the assembly. Obviously, the stars of the party were the team going for the mission itself and everyone, staff or student, was welcomed to attend this grand ceremony before the team was launched into space to collect ice samples in hopes of going where no human had ever gone before, or so said the Garrison's founding and still upheld motto.

Keith stood with his non-alcoholic drink in hand in a corner. He watched Shiro in the middle of it all, joining in a toast made by one of the professors there. At first glance, he looked happy, excited, overjoyed even. But Keith could tell something was bothering him. It was the way he switched his drink from hand to hand, the way he smiled a little too wide because after all the time they've spent together, Keith had memorized his smile and played it over and over again in his head until he fell asleep at night. Keith was observant but he  _ knew _ Shiro. He watched as Shiro ran his fingers through his hair before excusing himself from the crowd and walking to the doors leading out.

Keith didn’t need to follow closely to where he was going because he knew the one place that brought Shiro peace when he needed to think without feeling too anxious.

\--------

Shiro couldn’t breathe again, his throat felt dry and his heart was beating so fast, it sent his hands shaking. His still full drink wobbled in his hand as he tried deep breaths while walking to the viewing deck. He needed to calm down and he was getting all panicky again but for what? He was the pilot of the Kerberos mission, he had everything he wanted, so there was absolutely no need to feel this way. But inside, he was scared out of his wits and it wasn’t even for any good rhyme or reason.

The rate his heart was pounding could have caused an earthquake and it already sent him falling apart at the seams. He just needed to calm down and think it through.  _ Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus. _ He chanted the mantra over again in his head, as he usually did when he felt like he was in distress, but nothing was working. He was starting to feel light-headed and the stars were suddenly threatening to fall.

The viewing deck was empty because the celebration and lately, whenever one of them needed to talk, it would be here. There was hardly anyone here, especially late at night, and over here they could just say whatever they wanted. It was also quiet and desolate enough for you to hear your own thoughts, which was what Shiro desperately needed at this moment.

He put down his glass of untouched champagne next to him on the balcony as he leaned against it, facing the empty desert. His fingertips left a sweaty imprint on the glass and he watched it evaporate, white disappearing on the transparent surface. If only his fears would vanish like that.

Just as he turned his head out again, he heard footsteps next to him.

"Hey," Keith said. "Saw you go out there just now. Is everything okay?" He asked from next to him, tilting his head so his eyes could look into Shiro's.

"Yeah, everything is just fi–. No, no it's not." Shiro couldn’t lie to Keith, not just because Keith would be able to tell immediately but because he confided in Keith and Keith sometimes knew how to interpret the mess that was his feelings.

"I just, I just–ugh," Shiro started but wanted to give up. He placed his face in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. Keith could tell that this was more serious than the usual stress because Shiro would usually run his fingers through his hair whenever he was pressured to the limit.

Keith gave him time to collect his thoughts and order them, he knew better than to bug him for an answer because he knew Shiro was about to lose it.

"I'm just so… so conflicted, so confused. I have been dreaming about going to distant planets, distant worlds, just like Kerberos; and now, now I can finally do that. I've always wanted this and everything in my life has been leading to this point. But, but the things is… is that I'm scared. I've never been more afraid in my entire life. I don’t know what's out there. I don’t know what or how am I supposed to do anything. What if this is a huge mistake? What if I shouldn’t be the one to go? What if I can't fly the team there? Or make it back? What if I just don’t want this? Ugh, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!" Shiro huffed out. His breathing was ragged and he put his face in his palms again.

\-------

From the moment Keith heard that Shiro was going to be the pilot of the Kerberos mission, he was so happy for him. A smile lit up his entire face and he was actually smiling for the entire day, until some of his classmates thought that maybe aliens had abducted him and replaced him with a different version of Keith. He was so happy for Shiro and congratulated him when they met that night. They kept talking about all the possibilities that could happen when Shiro went to Kerberos and Keith couldn’t be happier for Shiro, finally getting what he always wished he could do.

But then on the way back to his dorm, it was quiet and the lights had dimmed, meaning it was probably over curfew but no one really bothered since he was with Shiro, who always covered for the both of them. Tonight, Shiro had to get some papers at his locker before heading back to his dorm so Keith said he would walk back alone first.

He realized that no one would cover for him, once Shiro was gone. He would have to take walks like this alone again. He would have to go back to the way it had when Shiro hadn’t been with him. It suddenly dawned on him that there was a stark difference between his life before Shiro and with Shiro.

He would have to eat alone. He would have to study alone. He would have to train alone. He would have to exercise alone. He would have to walk back alone. He would be all alone.

Shiro would be gone and that would mean that his best friend, the person that he now trusted the most in the entire universe, wasn’t going to be there with him.

Maybe he was exaggerating because it would only be a few months to a year but still, that time apart made a huge difference. One that Keith would start to feel as soon as Shiro stepped into that rocket.

Shiro was a big deal in Keith's life and sometimes, Keith wanted to tell him that Shiro could make him feel as though his heart was glowing from the inside, not just because he was his friend but maybe it was because it seemed like Shiro was Keith's 'person’. He knew that it sounded stupid, the moment the thought popped into his head, but why couldn’t that thought disappear then?

He should be happy for Shiro, nonetheless, and he was, he really was. Thing was that he was just going to miss him very much. And that was all, Keith put an end to it there but he knew his feelings ran much deeper than that.

\--------

Keith's feelings sent him straight back to the moment walking back to his dorm.  _ He's gonna leave you, just like everyone else in your life _ , the back of his mind warned him.  _ No, I'm happy for him. He's finally gotten what he has always wanted. I'm just being selfish because I won't have anyone around but I know I'll survive. Like before Shiro came along. It would have happened anyway and I should have expected it sooner rather than later. Everyone leaves. But it doesn’t matter what I feel, he's happy and that’s all that matters,  _ he thought back firmly because he did believe so. Because no matter what, he cared for Shiro, he truly did and his happiness was his number one priority, so he had to do the right thing.

He gently laid his hand on Shiro's shoulder. This touch was different from any other way they've touched each other before. Usually, it was a hand to pull Keith up, or a casual slap on the back of his hand when Shiro said something stupid. His touch was soft, tender and caring and he was putting Shiro first.

Shiro could feel his concern and welcomed it by turning his gaze from his hands to him. Keith wasn’t the touchy-feely type, or at least he didn’t show it, and stayed away from any unnecessary physical contact. He wouldn’t do something like this, yet he was.

Keith took a deep breath and tossed away his other feelings. "Hey, hey," Keith focused on Shiro's eyes. "It's going to be okay. I know, believe me, I know how scary it must be to be going out there. But I know one thing's for sure, I know you can do this. I know you can make it. Even if you don't believe that you can, I do, okay? I've always believed in you and I believe you can do this. Look, you've always wanted this and you've worked so hard and you finally got it. It means you can do anything, I know you can."

Keith wanted to do more than just show comfort with his hand on his shoulder. He wanted to hug him tight, pull him close, and tell him that he could do anything, to assure him that everything was going to be alright. He knew a shoulder touch was the furthest they could go now and he hoped that it would be enough.

Suddenly, there was nothing else in Shiro's world, except Keith, his hand on his shoulder and his words. Something in it made Shiro's breathing become less laboured, quietened the panic of his heart. It was all he could focus on, all that mattered. He closed his eyes before opening them with an inhale.

"Thank you, Keith. I… I really needed that. And you're right too." Shiro wanted to continue on by saying that he needed something, or someone else too but stopped. "So, I guess I'm going then," he said after a while.

"Yes, you are going," Keith replied, moving his hand away and Shiro could feel the loss of heat from his shoulder. They walked back to the celebration and Shiro wasn’t even gone yet but he could feel the absence of Keith in his life.

He knew he was most definitely going to miss Keith when he was away. It was only going to be a few months to a year; but to him, that was going to be a long, long while. He knew how time could fly but also how stagnant and still a second could be. He wouldn’t say he'd change since Keith was around but some part of him seemed to adapt to Keith's presence for the better. Sometimes, he felt as though he was unbreakable, even to his stress and anxiety. To think that Keith believed in him, even from the start, even when he hadn’t believed in himself, made all the difference.

\-------

It was the night before the Kerberos mission, the night before the rocket blasts off into space, the night Shiro was leaving. Their last night together. So, they thought that it was only fitting that they met at the exact same spot that they had first met on. The viewing deck.

Everything was prepared for the next day's launch. Everything except Keith. He just honestly couldn’t bear to leave Shiro but he was ultimately happy that his dream was going to come true. There was still the nagging feeling nipping at the bottom of his heart. He tried to ignore it for the past week and he was dying inside just to say something about what he was feeling to Shiro.  _ But, _ he reminded himself,  _ I shouldn’t do this to him, not now at least. He may not even feel the same way and I, I don’t want to drag him down with anything. He's happy and he needs to do this. _

Keith bit his lips nervously and played with his fingers. "So this is it, huh?" He said, before inhaling sharply and smiling.

Shiro opened his mouth to say something but right now, like right now, all he wanted to do was cry on Keith's shoulder while he held him. Matt was a hundred fucking percent right about what he had said was happening between them. He felt it so strongly in his bones and before he knew it, the feelings had spread itself all around his body. It engulfed him from the inside but he knew he couldn’t say it.  _ Not like this, not right now,  _ he thought to himself.  _ I won't let him wait for me. I can't do that to him. _

Tears pricked his eyes but he held them back through sheer willpower. It wasn’t going to last long anyway.

"I guess so," Shiro said. "But I'll be back soon. I promise, okay?" His voice softened.

"Yeah, of course, you will. But, uh, remember to be safe." Keith nodded to himself, trying to make himself believe it.

Shiro nodded. "You take care too, Keith."

"I'll be fine, Shiro. Don't worry, I'll survive," Keith murmured.

Shiro raised his right hand to his head in a salute. Keith did the same, in the professional way that cadets do when they leave after graduation.

"See you soon, Cadet Keith," Shiro only managed to choke that out. There was so much between them, so many unspoken feelings that Shiro wanted to say but he couldn’t.

Keith smiled and it was a smile that wasn’t only going to be etched into Shiro's memory but it would be the only thing that Shiro would see whenever he closed his eyes.

They both turned away, Keith walked away to his dorm and Shiro to his own.

The next morning, Keith watched as the Kerberos rocket launched them to the moon Kerberos.  _ He'll be back soon then everything would be the same again _ , he assured his heart,  _ he'll come back in no time.  _ He reminded himself,  _ patience yields focus. _

In the rocket, Shiro's anxiety was also rocketing to outer space. He felt like he was going into a different reality again but he was slightly less afraid. He knew that Keith believed in him and somehow that comforted him _. _ He tried to steady his breathing and glanced at his ignitions to make sure everything was in check for the hundredth time but his movements were all mechanical. Right now, his mind was elsewhere thinking about Keith. He hadn't stopped thinking about him since the previous night.

Then, they blasted off and as the rocket moved further away from the earth, his thoughts were only going back in the opposite direction.

Back to Keith.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The banner has been done by [Lucia-ik](http://lucia-ik.tumblr.com/)! Go check out our Tumblrs that have been linked!
> 
> You can find me on my [Tumblr](https://misttiique.tumblr.com/). Comments are welcomed.


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